Random Update

I don’t know about other parents with 3 kids, but after having S1, I’ve had as much success at gathering my thoughts as D1 and D2 have at gathering their toys: the moment they’re gathered, they’re all over the place again, to the point you just say, “This is futile.” So while I’ve had plenty of blog fodder over the past 3 months, e.g., D1 saying S1’s package looks like a bun and me no longer being able to look at a pork bun the same way again, I’ve had difficulty putting 2 or more sentences together in a coherent manner. The result is a random update for you readers:

• Remember my goals for my 30th year? Well, I sucked something awful at them until this post, and since April, I’ve lost 24 pounds. I was 206 on 4/17; 182 this morning. Been doing a low-carb diet, going to the gym 3 times per week and running with the wife 2 times a week.
• People ask me if having a son is any different. Yes. He has a junk and said junk is in fact easier to clean. Also, diaper changes are always an adventure because you never know when he’ll make it rain.
• People warned me, but still, the first time he peed on me, I was shocked by the force and speed the urine traveled towards my face. I mean, it’s akin to a tiny, plastic water gun shooting with the pressure of a fire hydrant.
• Going to the gym isn’t very fun some days but my kids motivate me. Not just so that I model an active lifestyle for them and do my part to ensure I’m around for a long time, but also to intimidate potential suitors. I know it’s still years, if not a decade(s) away (hopefully), but I want to be able to say to that kid, “I’ve been training years for you, punk.”
• I used to hate running. Mostly because I couldn’t run very far or fast. Now, I love it. I’m still not particularly fast, but somehow, my wife and I ended up running almost 7 miles in 86 minutes a few weeks ago. You never know how far you can go when you’ve got an encouraging wife by your side.
• Even more motivating when said wife gave birth less than 3 months ago.
• Since we’re homeschooling, my wife didn’t need to go back to school this August. I thought she’d be somewhat sad. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Having been a high school teacher for 7 years, this was the happiest I’ve ever seen her in late-August.
• Instagram is hard to use for stalking random people for people with fat fingers like me. #SorryIWasJustStalkingYourPhotosIdidntMeanToLikeThem
• We’re still living with my parents. It’s both a blessing and a challenge. I’m sure the feeling is mutual.
• I wore a pair of short-shorts (5″ is pretty short for me) for the first time last week for a run. Felt like I was running naked. Good thing my thighs are so pale – they’re super reflective. Safety first.
• With 3 kids, there’s always at least 1 person crying or whining in the house at all times.
• I may or may not contribute to said whining. *ahem*
• D2 has NO interest in potty training.
• Our trashcans are constantly filled with crap. Literally.
• If you eat a bunch of chia seeds and there’s no bathroom near you a few hours later, you’re going to have a bad time.
• My wife was away for a 3-day trip. They were in their PJs/underwear/diapers/naked for most of those 3 days.
• I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: teething is no fun. Yes, S1 is teething at 3 months. *sigh*
• I’m busier than I’ve probably ever been. I’m more scatterbrained than ever. The number of things I forget is usually greater than the number of things I remember. But I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy or laughed as much as I have in the last 3 months. Having 3 kids isn’t easy but it’s a joy.

What about you? How have you been?

Things I Learned This Past Week

Between Disney Princesses on Ice, D1’s 3rd birthday and Singlehood Awareness Day Valentine’s Day, this past week was filled with activity, and I managed to learn a few things along the way.

1. 9/11 was really good for stadium vendors – Not to make light of the tragic events of that day, but stadium vendors have to be grateful b/c 1) every bag is searched in the name of security and 2) dangerous items that can be used to commit acts of terror like bottles of water and snacks for your kids are forcibly removed. So they end up with a stadium full of parents with hungry, thirsty and whiny kids and they’re able to charge $4 for a bottle of water, $10 for a bucket of peanuts or popcorn and $12 for cotton candy. Sunummabish!
2. There Needs to Be A Daddy/Mommy Flask – the only thing they allow you to bring into the stadium/arena, is formula or breastmilk, which makes me think – why hasn’t some entrepreneur capitalized on a potentially lucrative market by selling what looks like bottles of formula filled with liquor? Think of it as the Daddy/Mommy flask. Seriously. What parent wouldn’t take a swig or two (or ten) of the bottle during Disney on Ice? And I’d gladly suckle on a bottle for that goodness – just make sure the nipple isn’t slow flow.
3. Walt Disney Presents The Racketeer – Imagine several hundred little girls, all dressed in officially licensed Disney Princess dresses, clamoring for their dad to buy them crappy pieces of plastic that light up for $12 and plastic tiaras for $6. Now imagine the dads looking over at their daughter and smiling, then glancing at the vendor with a look that says, “How do you sleep at night?”, then a glance at their daughter, then back to the vendor as they fork over wads of cash.
4. Disney Songs Are Awesome – I don’t care how many man points I lose for admitting this nor am I ashamed to admit that I was tapping my feet during Under the Sea. If you grew up in the 80s and 90s, you can’t tell me these lyrics don’t evoke fond memories/won’t get stuck in your head: “Don’t you dare close your eyes. A hundred thousand things to see
   Hold your breath it gets better” “Try the grey stuff it’s delicious. Don’t believe me? Ask the dishes” “Strollin’ along down the…what’s that word again? Street. Up where they walk, up where they run, up where they stay all day in the sun”
5. Party Blowers Always Seem Like A Good Idea – until you hear that high-pitched BRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRRRRRR on endless repeat for half an hour and then you go to snap the blower in half only to realize it’s made out of paper and is unbreakable, BRRRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRRRRRRR BRRRRRRRRRRRRR!
6. Don’t Tell Your Kid You’re Having Cake – they won’t eat anything else.
7. Balloons Are A PAIN to Take Home – my brother-in-law bought balloons for D1’s birthday, which she absolutely loved. Driving home with said balloons sucked. Also, seeing a giant Dora in your rear-view mirror late at night can be startling.
8. You Can Call Me Marty Freakin’ Stewart – for Valentine’s Day, I had the day off so I made my wife’s favorite Trader Joe’s 17 bean soup, made some ice cream using the Cusinart Ice Cream Maker my sister got me for my birthday, and brown velvet cupcakes with cream cheese frosting (red velvet minus the food coloring).
9. There’s A Reason They Call It Red Velvet – sure, the cupcakes tasted good, but only if your eyes were closed.
10. There’s Such A Thing As Too Much of A Good Thing – I LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE cream cheese frosting. I used to state boldly, “I’d happily eat a whole bowl.” Well, Valentine’s Day was my opportunity. I made WAY too much frosting and had a significant amount leftover. It played out like this scene from Ace Ventura:
    
    First spoon: YUM! Second Spoon: heart starts to slow a bit, starting to feel a little numb. Third Spoon: Three spoons is too much.

What about you? What did you learn this past week? Could you eat more than three spoonfuls of cream cheese frosting?

Friday Flip-Offs, 11/19 Pop’s Edition

Another Friday and you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Sure I’ve got lots to be happy about, but little things have been annoying me as of late. Maybe I am getting more crotchety as I get older? Well, dear readers, whether you like it or not, here’s my crotch on full display.

To Thanksgiving: FLIP OFF! Really?! Thanksgiving is next week? Why does it seem like the holidays are sneaking up on me this year? And why am I already putting on holiday eating weight before any holiday dinners/parties? I guess I like to overachieve.

To gift cards: FLIP OFF! Does anyone else hate receiving gift cards? Maybe it’s because I’m the guy who either A) loses/forgets where he put his gift cards or B) waits for a sale that never happens or C) keeps them in his wallet and constantly forgets about using them even when he visits a particular retailer to use a particular gift card. Gift cards only require a little bit more thought than cash, e.g., “He’s a guy, so I’d better buy a Best Buy gift card and not an Ann Taylor gift card.” or “She’s a girl so I’m guessing she’d rather not get a gift card to Bass Pro Shops,” and yet, somehow they’re an acceptable gift. Worst of all are those AmEx or Visa gift cards – it’s basically like giving cash only you’re not and you usually have to pay an activation and/or maintenance fee on them. Visa advertises the cards by saying, “Give people the freedom to buy what they want.” So the people who give them usually think, “Wow. I am such a thoughtful friend. I’m giving my friend to freedom to go buy what he or she wants because it’s like cash. *pats self on back*.” You know what else is like cash? Cash.

This makes no sense to me. So if you ever want to give me a gift card, just give me cash. I promise I won’t be offended.

Also, I just realized this rant may result in me getting nothing but Ann Taylor gift cards for Christmas.

To parents at the mall who don’t understand the concept of a personal bubble: FLIP OFF! Sure, our kids are sharing germs in the play area but that doesn’t mean you gotta get all up in my bit. Here’s a diagram to help you understand.

I don't want to smell you

And you, overly friendly dad? We nearly touched junks. That’s never a cool thing.

By our junks combined, I am seriously grossed out

And you, dad who adopted Korean kids and wants to practice Korean? I get that you want to practice but maybe you should practice with people you know, not random people at the mall. And maybe you should learn more than just how to say hello.

Other Dad: ahn young hah seh YO!
Me: Uhhhhh, hello.
OD: Are you, Korean?
Me: *thinking: what gave it away? My big head or my small eyes? Or do I smell like garlic?* Yes, I am.
OD: That’s great [gives me his whole history on why he speaks Korean to random people who look remotely Korean]
Me: Ummmm, Ok. So is that all you say in Korean?
OD: Pretty much.

Thrilling discourse. Really. I should go to the mall more often to see 8 year old girls wearing short short skirts with their tall tall Uggs and enjoy more enlightening conversations. At least Sarku is always giving out free samples.

To parents who change their kids at the table at a restaurant: FLIP OFF! Yes, public restrooms can be disgusting and if there isn’t a changing table, your baby has to engage in diaper change aerobics, but for the love of all that is good and holy, PLEASE STOP CHANGING DIAPERS AT THE TABLE! I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve left some nasty diapers in some awfully tiny bathroom trashcans, but I’ve never subjected other diners to the nastiness that is a poopy diaper. Furthermore, it’s going to be very difficult for me to eat curry again, particularly dal, at an Indian restaurant.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

I’m a Dad #10

This morning, I was about to walk down the stairs to get breakfast and D1 came beside me and asked to hold my hand. She told me to walk slower and we walked step-by-step, hand-in-hand. When we got downstairs, I asked her why she wanted to hold my hand and walk slower and she said, “Because I want to marry you, appa.” “Why do you want to marry me,” I asked. “Because I love you.”

It’s not even 7am and my heart is completely melted. IAD

Friday Flip-Offs, 11/7 Pop’s Edition

Lots going on in Pop’s home these days. D2’s teeth are starting to come in and she’s trying to roll over, which is initially exciting, but then you realize it’s no fun b/c she won’t be where you left her when you get back. D1’s nowhere near puberty (actually, she may not be that far off) but she’s already having massive mood swings. My wife and I are contemplating our future with buying/selling a home and contemplating homeschooling, and while exciting, it’s a lot to think and pray about. So you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Let’s get to it.

To certain cops: FLIP OFF! I appreciate cops and all that they do but some cops need to be flipped off. Three times this week, I was stuck in heavy traffic. I then hear a siren from the distance and figure, “Ah, crap. It’s an accident.” So of course, the traffic jam gets worse as all the cars move out of the way so the cop can get through to the scene of the accident to perform their duties. Only thing is, there is no accident, and once the cop is past the traffic, the sirens turn off. *resisting the urge to make a doughnut joke*

To puberty: FLIP OFF! Seriously?! Girls are starting puberty at 7 or 8? 7 or 8 is when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air should pull up to the house; not when I need to deal with 24 cases of PMS per year. Also, I just realized that in about 10 years  I will have 3 ladies PMSing at the same time in my home (women do cycle up, right?). Maybe I should look into a bomb shelter as an added feature for our next home?

To getting older: FLIP OFF! I’m still pretty young (emphasis on the pretty, oh so pretty) but I’m exhibiting signs of getting older.

1. My calf cramped up while I was stretching before I got out of bed in the morning
2. My metabolism is nowhere near what it used to be. Congratulations, Wifey! My love handles are here to stay!
3. When I get together with friends, we talk about riveting things like mortgages and home improvements
4. Tired is not how I feel; it’s who I am
5. I most look forward to weekends where nothing is planned

But I can still hear up to 18kHz on the hearing test (though it isn’t as piercing as it used to be) and I’m not graying, so I guess I’m ok.

To Mike Shanahan: FLIP OFF! Seriously? Rex Grossman gives us the best chance to win?! Who’d you ask for that advice? Steve Spurrier?! And poor conditioning for 2 minutes? Aside from the first time, most men have enough stamina to last two minutes.

To location-based services: FLIP OFF! Maybe this ties in with me getting older, but I’m not a fan of Four Square, Facebook Places and other location-based services. Now a lot of businesses are beginning to offer deals exclusively through those services. That’s all well and good for those who don’t mind giving up certain aspects of their privacy for a free burrito, but I hope this doesn’t mean the end of printing out coupons that were meant for people signed up for an email club that I can mass-print through SlickDeals.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

The Reveal Post

Like any good reveal show, I won’t get to the answer right away and instead bore you with random details and recaps you couldn’t care less about.

Food poisoning

The silver lining with having food poisoning twice in the span of 6 days? I lost 5lbs and eating is like a new experience every time. But being a SAHD, trying to potty train a toddler when I myself can barely control my bowels? That’s the brown lining.

That is not nice!

So I wrote before how D1 doesn’t seem to understand some of the things we say. And then I get the sneaking suspicion that she’s a genius that’s just playing us. When D1 is being bad, we usually say, “D1! That is NOT nice!” with extra emphasis on the not. Last night, my wife was giving her a bath and she absolutely hates washing her hair. So as my wife was trying to wet her hair, she begins to shout, “Mommy! That is NOT nice!” Toddlers are freaking hilarious. Manipulative and conniving, but hilarious.

So who saw right through me?

They say truth is stranger than fiction and my life is very, very strange indeed. So each of the 6 things are at least 80% true and one of them is 100% true. I’m terrible at lying and even worse at making stuff up completely. And besides, Momma Kiss did the same thing:

“Is it kinda cheating? Maybe. Sue me, I couldn’t come up with total nutjob stories. Yah, even Me!”

1) All of this was true except “So I went to bed at 7pm and didn’t wake up until this morning. Save for a couple of trips to the bathroom.” I actually went to bed at 6pm. Yes. You read right. 6pm and slept for 12, mostly uninterrupted hours. Like I said, my wife is a saint.

2) I was a rising 3rd grader, not 4th, and I ended up weighing 125, not 120. A 125lb 3rd grader, and my Tae Kwon Do belt was holding on for dear life.

3) I actually gained closer to 40lbs and my vision prescription was closer to quadrupling. I not only love my wife; I need her.

4) Thankfully, I never did these myself but other worship leaders have – yes, even the crapping in the pants and finishing out a set. The worst I’ve done is forget the opening lyrics to a song and having the band play a 30 second intro for close to 2 minutes.

5) This really happened and Bethany will be happy to know that I prayed over my poop-infested phone and then pressed against my ear for every call I made for 2 months. But remember, I did run it under water for a while. I guess I’m not like Jerry Seinfeld who couldn’t even kiss his gf after knocking her toothbrush in the toilet.

The 20% of this one that is a lie? I still use my iFriend while on the can. Every day. But now, when I’m done, I place it on the floor, as far away from the toilet as I possibly can.

6) DING DING! This one is 100% true. So Perpetually Peeved and Shell were the ones who guessed correctly. And to this day, girls only scream at me when they’re mad.

So there you go dear Readers. You now know more about me, specifically that I am a worship leader who has a saint for a wife who is always thisclose to becoming morbidly obese who once dreamed of becoming a KPop idol but will settle for his wife and kids adoring him.

Lies, ALL LIES! (Well, mostly)

I usually hate being tagged in things, e.g., the current viral status thing going on in Facebook land, which I call, Like This and I Will Fill Up Your Wall and All Your Friend’s Timelines with 8 Facts That May Make You Think I Know You Thereby Justifying Your Existence, or simply, the bastard love-child of 25 Facts About Me, a.k.a., “somebody please read this!!! I’m special dangnabbit!”

I originally planned to post pictures from the BBQ this past weekend but didn’t get a chance to download and upload them, so this will have to do. You can thank Bethany over at Organic Enchilada for tagging me, and Poppy for tagging her, and Lori for tagging her. And besides, how could I pass up the opportunity to title this post after one of my favorite clips from Austin Powers?

So what’s the deal? The following are five lies and one truth.  Your job is to pick out the one that is 100% truth and leave your answer in the comments section.  Let’s see who thinks they know me.

1) I didn’t get a chance to upload pictures from the weekend’s BBQ because I was pooped. Literally. I went to an Indian buffet on Friday, which I normally love but afterward, I felt worse than I usually feel after an AYCE. The next morning, I was cleaning the toilets, which serves two purposes: 1) it ensures guests are not disgusted and 2) it ensures the toilets don’t get clogged by the carnivores and their boulder-like dumps. While cleaning, I had to fart. Except, like a Transformer, there was more than meets the eye. That’s right:

From that point on, I had to visit the bathroom no less than 13 times that day. Let’s just say by the 13th time, I really wish we hadn’t bought the toilet paper that was slightly rougher and $0.012342 cheaper than the brand name one.

The next day, my gas was still undergoing condensation (I think that’s the right term. Science nerds?) so I had to hold in any and all farts. All of this was very exhausting. Not to mention, I was hungry. I wanted to eat but eating meant I’d have to poop, which meant I’d have to wipe, which hurt (I may or may not have had to use a diaper wipe at some point this weekend).

So I went to bed at 7pm and didn’t wake up until this morning. Save for a couple trips to the bathroom.

Also, my wife is a saint.

2) My parents dumped sent me and my sister to Korea to get rid of us for the summer let us experience the rich culture of our homeland for the summer when I was a rising 4th grader. Sadly, my wife and I won’t be able to dump our kids in a similar fashion as sending kids on planes by themselves under the care of the stewardess flight attendant is pretty much a no-no now. When I went, I was 90lbs. When we returned in 2 months, I weighed 120lbs (Yup. I gained 30lbs) and when I went up to my mom at the gate, it went like this:

Me: HI MOM! We’re back!
Mom: *puzzled look*
Me: Mom. It’s me! Your son.
Mom: *trying to hide shock/disgust but clearly looking disturbed*

A week or so later, we had to take pics at Tae Kwon Do and since my belt status didn’t change, I had to wear my old green belt. Except my girth caused it to look like a bow tie.

3) When my wife (then gf) studied abroad for a semester I gained 30lbs and my vision prescription tripled. I told her she was never allowed to go away for so long again because I’d become morbidly obese and blind. Mercifully, she didn’t dump me at the airport. Like I said, she’s a saint.

4) I was leading worship once and I said, “Bring your breast to God.” Another time, I sharted but I made it through the entire set. Then I calmly waddled my way to the bathroom. Somehow, I still have my gig as a worship leader.

5) I once dropped my iFriend in the toilet. While pooping. I was reading something and after I was done, I put the phone in my pocket. Or so I thought. As I got up to flush, the phone fell out of my pocket into the toilet full of poop just as I depressed the toilet handle. The phone was obviously too large to get through the hole, so it sat there as water was gushing over it. Without even thinking about the turds the were likely on the phone and in the grooves of my silicone case, I reached in and grabbed my phone. Flustered, I decided to run the phone under the sink to get all the poop particles off. Yeah, that’s pretty much shortbus material right there. The phone flickered a couple of times and then powered off.

I then fell to my knees and prayed, “God. I know I probably shouldn’t be praying about this, but please, please make my phone work again.” Worst part was, a bunch of my friends chipped in to get me the phone for my birthday and the iPhone was much pricier back then ($300).

The next day, the phone worked. Without any glitches! I used the phone for about 2 months and then experienced an unrelated software issue with the device and had the phone replaced for free under warranty.

I never used my iPhone while on the can ever again.

6) When I was in high school, I dreamed of being a break dancer and KPop idol.

Alas, my dreams of poor lip syncing with teen girls screaming were dashed when I realized I couldn’t A) sing, B) break dance , or C) have girls screaming at me unless they were angry.

So which one is 100% true?

And I tag my Twitter BFFs: Mommy of a Monster and Kludgy Mom.

Kids Just Don’t Understand

If D1 were Twitter, she’d report me for spam, which isn’t so bad because I’m sure as she gets older, she’ll become like gmail and everything I say will automatically end up in her spam folder.  But lately, I’ve come to realize I’m part of the problem. She’s only 2.5 and she already doesn’t understand the things I say, mostly because I mumble and ramble of my propensity to use clichés and figures of speech.

Rhetorical Questions

A few Sundays ago I had a moment of immense anger with D1. We just returned from a retreat with other couples from our church. My wife came down with mastitis so she stayed home with D2 while I took D1 to church. I was quite proud of myself. I got D1 changed, brought some bottles of water and other things my wife would need and put them on her nightstand within reach, packed snacks for D1, packed the diaper bag, and was ready to head out the door. Just then, D1 asked for some milk, so I obliged. She took one sip and put the cup down on the floor. Then things seemed to move in slow motion.

She saw something interesting in the living room and as she got up to go look at it, she knocked over the cup of milk. Remember, she only took a sip so milk was everywhere. Under the baseboards, onto some shoes, under the trash can, etc…I was so infuriated. I absolutely lost it. Wasn’t I incredibly proud of myself just a minute ago? I began to yell at D1 – I haven’t yelled at her that badly since shortly after D2 was born.

At one point, I shouted in Korean, “WHAT IS THIS?!?!?!” D1 tearfully cried back, “It’s milk, daddy!” I had to bite my lip in order to keep from laughing.

Euphemisms

I try really hard not to curse, but life, and especially life as a parent, requires interjections. So I usually use euphemisms like poop, dang it, curses, etc…I also like to say, “Oh my goodness” a la Shanaynay from Martin

So D1 is thisclose to being potty trained. The only times we put a diaper on her are for naps and when we go to a public place where a (usable) restroom may not be readily available. Lately, D1’s been in the habit of taking off her poopy diaper, leaving it in place, and heading to the toilet to wipe her butt. Hey Pampers – get on that idea DC Urban Dad sent you a while back!

Last week, I put D1 down for a nap. Later, I hear her get up and go to the bathroom. I head upstairs and find her putting the Baby Bjorn toilet trainer on the toilet seat and moving the step stool over to get up there. She says, “Appa! I’m going pee pee!” to which I reply, “I’m so proud of you.” 30 seconds pass and I don’t hear any pee. My wife calls me over so I tell D1 that I’ll be back. I come back to the bathroom in less than a minute and D1 is now off the potty but there is a little turd on the toilet trainer. “Oh wow,” I exclaimed, “D1 you went poo poo?!” So I pick her up to wipe her butt and then HORROR.

It looked like there was a poop explosion on her butt. I frantically look in the toilet. NO POOP! No poop in the toilet, an explosion on her butt, and a turd on the seat. At this point I’m confused as to what happened. “Honey, can you go get me some wipes from D1’s room,” I shout. She heads over and exclaims, “Oh my God. That’s all you!” I’m pretty sure she tagged me like a tag-team partner does in wrestling as she passed me. I go in and there’s D1’s old diaper, filled with a nasty turd, and poop all over her blanket and pillows.

“OH LORD! D1!!! OH LORD! OH MY GOD! D1!!! OH LORD!!!” I exclaim over and over. And without missing a beat, D1 shouts, “PRAISE THE LORD, APPA!” She laughs and keeps on saying it, “PRAISE THE LORD! PRAISE THE LORD!” Once again, I had to bite my lip in order to keep from laughing.

At the End of the Day

That seems to be a popular cliché, along with “the bottom line is…” It’s one that I like to use also. I once used it on D1. “At the end of the day, D1, blah blah blah [something philosophical that a 2.5yo could definitely use].”

Fast forward to bedtime. We’re laying in bed, talking about her day and she goes, “Appa. It’s the end of the day, [repeats back something philosophical].”

It Doesn’t Get Any Better

I’d like to think that I’ll be able to communicate better with my kids as they get older but an incident that happened with my wife and some of her students reminds me that there are some things that kids just don’t understand – or don’t want to understand.

My wife is in the habit of putting motivational posters and quotes throughout her classroom. One that she put up recently is a Chinese proverb:

Tell me and I’ll forget; show me and I may remember; involve me and I’ll understand.

From a distance, my wife noticed some kids gathered around the new posting and were shaking their heads as if a light bulb was going off. In that moment, my wife was one proud teacher and she began to approach them to talk about it.

Then one kid turns to another and says, “I want to understand your mom.”

It’s nice to know that after all these years, your mom is still popular with high school boys. BOOM!

What are some other things adults use in everyday life that kids just don’t understand?

Update:

So I grossed the Organic Enchilada out with my Martin video above, so I thought I’d redeem myself with this classic moment from that show. I love me some Tracy Morgan.

Friday Flip-Offs, 10/1 Pop’s Edition

I am exhausted today. I didn’t originally plan on writing a blog post but this angered me to no end.

To my neighbor: FLIP OFF! This was what I tweeted at 2:46am!

By 2:50, we finally calmed both D1 and D2 down but the alarm was still going off. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I put on some clothes–yes, I sleep in just my baggy skorts boxer briefs. Aren’t you glad this blog is anonymous? Otherwise, the visual would be jarring. Anywho, I briefly contemplate doing very bad things to her car–which is incidentally parked right in front of D1’s room–but decide against it. I figured my dog poop morning breath would be punishment enough and I fully planned on drawing out all my words like “Hiiiiiiiiii neeeeeeeighboooooooooooooor. You’re alaaaaaaaaaaaaarm is gooooooing ooooooooooof.” I ring her doorbell like it’s a video game that requires button mashing, all the while hearing:

BOOOOOOOP BOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
ENGK! ENGK! ENGK! ENGK!
BURR-WEEEEEE BURR-WEEEEEE!
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!

in the background, which made my button mashing increasingly forceful.

After a minute or so, mercifully the alarm stops. Since I didn’t hear a BEEP BEEP, I assume the car alarm has a snooze function – you know, like your alarm that just turns off after you try to ignore it for 10 minutes. But I hoped for the best.

This is what I tweeted at 3am:

Either our neighbors–yes, plural: both of their cars were parked there last night–hibernate at night or they are deaf to their own car alarm.

Seriously. What is the point of car alarms?! Does anyone even care? I feel like they’re the 20th century equivalent of the boy who cried wolf. It’s the 21st century now, there’s gotta be something better than that right?! I mean, Sprint’s phones come with better theft deterrant:

So the entire house woke up cranky and I have you to thank.

To breast cancer: FLIP OFF! Btw, where in the heck did October come from?! It came so quick (that’s what she said). Anywho, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. A dear friend of mine is going through chemo right now and I know countless others are affected by this. If there’s anything Americans love, it’s fast cars, buffets, freedom, and breasts – in some order. So leave the boobies alone!

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

And thanks again to Momma Kiss – the vajazzled purple dinosaur – for hosting this week!

Friday Flip-Offs, 9/17 Pop’s Edition

With the vacation, a short work week, and the gorgeous weather, I’d have to say it was a great week. But that doesn’t mean nothing riled up my anger or any problems arose.  So for today’s blog post, I’m doing like Devo: when a problem comes along, you must flip it! WOOPAH! Flip it good!

Once again, thanks to Momma Kiss who is filling in for Gigi, who is busy jotting down who needs detention for Back to School Back to Blogging next week (me). On to the flips!

To that mom at Target: FLIP OFF! Yes, D2 is huge now (15.5lbs, 24.5″ at her checkup) and her thighs are especially chunky so she barely fits size 1-2 diapers (up to 15lbs), but my wife recently found a stash of size 1 diapers (8-14lbs) that we never used. Being the cheap person I am, I couldn’t bring myself to toss them so I decided to use them. For you ladies, imagine squeezing into a pair of jeans that fit you perfectly before you had kids. The seams would be crying for mercy, no? For you guys, imagine squeezing into an Under Armour top. It’s tight to begin with:

Now imagine if you bought a size too small. You’d look like a walking sausage right? That’s what D2 looked like when I squeezed her into her size 1 diapers.

So back to you, lady at Target. I was too lazy to rebutton D2’s onesie after a diaper change so her tight diaper is clearly visible – and yes, that tiny velcro flap thing is holding on for dear life – you walk by and say, “Her diaper’s a little tight you know.” Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious. Now flip off and let me be a cheap dad in peace.

To my weight: FLIP OFF! It’s either you or the scale at my house is a random number generator. I eat healthy and exercise for a week and I lose 1lb (2-3lbs if I take off my clothes. Reminder to self: if weighing self naked, lock the door. Reminder to self 2: continue to pray the image of your hairy butt cheeks be erased from D1’s memory). I eat like a pig on vacation and only gain 1lb. Then I eat healthy and inexplicably gain 4lbs?!?!

To Redskins Fans: FLIP OFF! Monday mornings during football season in DC are so full of hyperbole. Yes, we won. And yes, it was the Cowboys but calm the flip down! We only had 250 yards of total offense (380 for the Cowboys), we were 0-2 in the redzone and we didn’t score an offensive touchdown.

To the Corn Refiners Association: FLIP OFF! You applied for permission to use the name “corn sugar” in place of high fructose corn syrup on food labels. Like Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and sugar by any other name would make you just as fat. The name is not the issue but thanks for the distraction.

To men who cannot properly use a urinal: FLIP OFF! Sure, splashback is both a problem and embarrassing, but that doesn’t mean you should stand 3 feet away from the urinal and pee all over the floor! The last few public restrooms I used, I had to straddle Lake Urine while I peed. Not cute. Learn to 1) aim and 2) the proper angle in order to prevent splashback.

And if you’re too shy to use the urinal and pee in the stalls instead, make sure your aim is true.

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I seriously hope this will be my last flip off for you in 2010. Please die. Thanks.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?