Merciful Monday: 3.23.11

I know, I know – it’s Wednesday. But I need to begin my return to more-regular blogging with an appeal for mercy.

To my readers: Have Mercy! I know, I know. When we first got together, I gave you what you wanted regularly – sometimes, multiple times a day. Things were fresh, fun, and sometimes, a bit wild. Ah, youthful love. Next thing you know, I’ve got more subscribers to my RSS feed and blog, and followers on Twitter, and suddenly, it’s like we’ve been married for a very long time. Now, I don’t give it up as regularly, often citing how tired I am, or how busy I am at work, or how I’ve been getting headaches so often. And then last week, I didn’t give it up at all.

I won’t lie to you – I’ve been wondering. Wondering if your love for me has waned. Wondering if you’ve found a new, hotter piece of butt. Wondering if our relationship will ever return to what it was. And I’m sure you don’t want to hear any excuses, but like any guy in the midst of an argument with a significant other I’ll keep talking and digging a deeper hole for myself offer the following reasoning: it’s not you; it’s me.

A lots been going on (trying to sell/buy a home, planning a family missions trip to Thailand, work has actually been busy, kids have been sick, etc…) and while I still find you irresistible and want you, I just haven’t been able to give you what you want as of late.

But all that’s going to change. I’m going to give it up (more) regularly and maybe even learn a few new tricks. RAWR.

What about you? Has 2011 been crazy busy?

Merciful Monday: 2.7.11

It’s been a while since my last Merciful Monday post. Rest assured that isn’t because I haven’t done stupid things. For those new to the blog, Merciful Monday’s are for me to apologize for stupid things that I’ve done in order to start the week off with a clean slate (not to mention using my sweet, MS Paint-made logo – I consider any chance I can use Uncle Jesse’s hair to be a good thing).

To my car: Have Mercy! You’re now two years old and it shows in the way I treat you. Did I drive off again after leaving a drink on top? Yes. Did I bother to take you to a car wash to get the love handle maker high fructose corn syrup corn sugar off of you? No. Did a flock of birds decide to take a collective dump while they were flying over you? Yes. Did I bother to get you washed? No. I just waited until it rained. Is there a slightly unpleasant odor emitting from under D1’s carseat? Yes. Am I utterly horrified and completely unwilling to clean out whatever is under there? Absolutely.

But rest assured that my apparent lack of care towards you does not accurately reflect the way I feel about you. Now that you’re reassured of my love for you, I hope you keep chugging along and make it to at least 200,000 miles.

To the seams of my pants: Have Mercy! Lately, you guys have been turning from innies to outies due to my misguided attempts at hibernation this winter. Please, please, please don’t split on me at the worst possible moment. Especially you, crotch seam. And in a similar vein…

To my waist: Have Mercy! Lately, when I go to shower, I find that my baggy skorts boxer briefs have left an imprint on my waist. In fact, if the Hanes were sewn on the inside, I’m positive that I’d be branded by now. And my gut and muffin top? Let’s just say that I may or may not be acting like a teen girl with an unwanted pregnancy and always wearing baggy hoodies and making sure I keep my hands in the front pocket so as to conceal my front bulge. No ladies, I’m not happy to see you; that’s just my gut. Speaking of front bulges…

To my manhood: Have Mercy! If you didn’t notice, I mentioned the word “ball(s)” quite a bit in my previous post (32 times if you were keeping count). I think I was seriously compensating for this week. You see, this week, we celebrate D1’s 3rd birthday (time went by way too fast!) and the big thing we’re doing is taking her to Disney On Ice presents Princess Wishes. As if Disney on Ice weren’t emasculating enough – we’re going full-bore Old Testament eunuch-making with the Disney Princesses. But I love her so much – so I say meeh to losing my manhood. In fact, bring on the tea parties and playing with dolls, I say! More Belle! More Briar Rose! More Pink! More glitter!*

*Pop’s note: this is why I’m secretly hoping one of our future children will be boys – I figure Nerf guns and blowing stuff up will restore my manhood. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the blue pill. GO SCIENCE!

What about you? Do you know a Muffin (top) man in your life? What do you need forgiveness for as you begin this week?

Merciful Monday: 1.10.11

Huh. My last Merciful Monday post was on 10.11.10 and today is 1.10.11. I’m sure there’s a binary joke I could make in there somewhere but I don’t want 10. Sheesh. First post of this new year and I’ve already made a lame joke AND it was geeky to boot. I call this a win.

Anywho, I figured I’d start the year off by apologizing to my wife and amusing my readers. So here goes:

To my then-girlfriend: Have Mercy! Forget what De Beers tells you: a diamond isn’t forever; a woman’s memory is. Especially when it comes to their love interests.

It was 2002 and we had been dating for a few months. I saw an article in The Washington Post touting Citronelle’s lobster burgers. For those that are unfamiliar with the DC area, Citronlle is a well-reviewed, hoighty-toighty restaurant in Georgetown. Being poor college kids at the time, there’s no way we could’ve afforded a regular dinner there, but the lobster burger was supposed to be amazing and only $10! This served several purposes for me: 1) I get to say I took my gf out to Citronlle, 2) she gets to tell her friends that her bf took her to Citronelle, thereby me receiving the simultaneous admiration of her friends and the ire of their respective bfs, and 3) I only take a $30 hit to do so.

Even back in college, we cleaned up nicely. She looked exceptionally gorgeous that night. We got into my ’92 Corolla and we valet parked it, since it was the only option available at the restaurant. To say that was the crappiest car the valets parked that day would be like saying Christina Hendricks has big boobs: a huge (har har) understatement.

I confidently walked up to the hostess and said, “Pop – reservation for 2 at 7pm.” “Right this way, sir, ” she replied. She took us to our table and aside from Pearle Vision, I’ve never seen so many glasses in my life. Seriously. How plastered do people get at these pricey joints?!

The server comes to our table and asks us if we’d like anything to drink. “Just water, please,” I replied. “Still or (something) water?”, he asked. After a recent fine dining SNAFU in which we paid $10 for a bottle of carbonated water, I asked, “Which one is free?” At this point, I’m sure this song is going through your head (not really). After confirming our order of free water, the waiter took away ALL the glasses (cue sad trombone).

We then looked over the menus to find the lobster burgers and to our surprise, we couldn’t find them anywhere. We asked another server (apparently, the first server was just the drink guy) if they no longer serve the lobster burgers, and she told us that they are only served in the bar area. Whoops. Taking it all in stride, I told my gf that we could splurge, after all, I am a smooth operator or maybe even the most interesting man in the room. We settled on the $75/person 3-course dinners.

The other thing to note about the dinner was that there was a dedicated server who came out and cleaned off the breadcrumbs. Being a college kid, I was always impressed if I walked into a bar and it didn’t smell like urine, so you can imagine how impressed I was by the bread cleaner dude.

Anywho, the dinner was great and we had an awesome conversation.

The check comes and I briefly calculate how many books I’d have to sell back at the end of the semester to pay off the charge. I get my wallet out and HORROR!

WHERE.

IS.

MY.

CREDIT CARD?!?!?!?!

And no, this wasn’t one of those cases when you’re hanging out with your friends and you’re faking like you forgot your wallet and ask for a spot.

I look coyly over at my gf and ask, “So uhhh…how good are you at washing dishes? Because we may have to wash a LOT tonight.”

Thankfully, she had her credit card and she picked up the check. The most interesting man in the room suddenly became the most single man in the room.

Actually, for some reason, my gf was able to look beyond this dating SNAFU, and today, we have two beautiful daughters.

Anywho, we walked out to get our car and YUP! You guessed it. I forgot cash for tipping the valet. Thankfully, she had cash. Otherwise, I would’ve had to scrounge up all the change from my ashtray.

And understandably, my wife hasn’t forgotten this. Even today, whenever we go out on a nice date, I’ll say, “Don’t worry – I have my credit card.”

To my readers: Have Mercy! I thoroughly enjoyed my hiblognation and am grateful for those that are still around. Here’s to another year of bl0gging (with plenty of food porn)!!!

So what about you? Do you have any dating SNAFU stories? What do you need to apologize for as you begin this new year?

Merciful Monday: 10.11.10

For the new visitors, Merciful Monday is a series in which I apologize and plead for mercy from things and people I have wronged to start the week off with a clean slate. And if there’s anything I’ve learned from nearly 6 years of marriage, it’s that apologizing early and often is a good thing. So here we go:

To vegetarians: Have Mercy! I’m hosting a BBQ this weekend for a ravenous pack of carnivores and will be posting all the glorious pictures on Monday. I’ll be smoking brisket, pork butt, and grilling my famous (to me) sweet & sour chicken and flank steak with chipotle-lime sauce. The only vegetables I plan on consuming are corn (in cornbread) and carrot (cake). So if the site of succulent animal flesh offends you, I apologize.

To my arteries and heart: Have Mercy! I’m giving you advanced warning: you’re going to have to work overtime this week. I know. I know. No one ever likes to work on weekends and no, I won’t be paying you time-and-a-half for your efforts, but I need you to work extra hard this weekend. And yes, I know. Life isn’t fair. Tongue gets to have all the foodgasms while you get to have palpitations. To help you out, I won’t look at pictures of things wrapped in bacon that make me hard – my arteries that is.

To the squirrel family living near my parents’ house: Have Mercy! I assure you, I was not under the influence of anything more than caffeine when the accident happened. I did everything in my power to avoid your son/daughter. He/she stopped in the middle of the road, staring at me. I positioned my car so that I would pass over him/her, but I guess he/she decided to move because I heard a *thump* followed by a slightly softer *thump*. My condolences on your terrible loss.

To my eyes: Have Mercy! You’ve been getting weaker and weaker as of late, especially since I stare at a computer all day at work. So I installed WorkRave on my computer, but I either skip over the breaks because I have blogs to read important work to do or I take a break by doing stuff on my iFriend.

What about you? What do you need forgiveness for?

Merciful Monday: Perspective

It’s another Monday and it’s time for me to once again say, “Have Mercy!” in this third installment of Merciful Monday!

To Stink Bugs: Have Mercy! So I’ve seen a lot of you around these parts this summer, but apparently, it’s going to get worse. Much worse. A few weeks ago, I found a strange-looking bug and squashed it with a paper towel. My wife asks, “Are you sure that wasn’t a stink bug?” So I *sniff* and YUP. Stink bug. And apparently, the scent you release acts like some smelly feet scented SOS signal, attracting more and more stink bugs. In the Washington Post article, Mike Raupp, a University of Maryland entomologist and extension specialist said, “I think this is going to be biblical this year.” Biblical? Have mercy stink bugs! I’ll let your people go! Just don’t invade my home!

To D1: Have Mercy! You are my firstborn and you’ll always hold a special place in my heart. As I wrote before, mommy and I had some difficulty conceiving you, but through that experience, every time I look at you, I see my very great reward. You brought so much joy and laughter into our lives. At times, parenting was really difficult and sometimes, I wish you came with a return policy or at least an instruction manual, but through it all, I grew more and more in love with you.

The last few weeks, however, I’ve lost perspective. You see, you are a remarkable child – and while every parent thinks that of their kids, you really are (again, most parents will say that). By age 1 you were talking. We bought a baby signing DVD but we didn’t need it because you could communicate everything you wanted. Shortly thereafter, you knew most people’s names at church and could say their name when we pointed to them. By 14 months, you would record voice messages singing happy birthday to people from church. You were speaking full sentences by 18 months and knew cause & effect shortly thereafter, e.g., you would say, “Appa. It’s raining, so we need an umbrella.” You memorized many, many songs, impressing anyone who heard. You fooled many into thinking that you could read because you had all of your books memorized. Many would marvel at how well you spoke and most called you genius baby. You figured out how to unlock my iPhone–unremarkable in this day and age–and could put in and play your own CDs and tapes. And most would attribute how fast your brain was developing to the fact that both of your parents were engineering majors.

Yet, this remarkable gift you have is a blessing and a curse. Because you are so advanced mentally, I find I tend to expect a lot of you and that often leaves me frustrated. Prior to D2 being born, I spoke with you regularly and you seemed to understand what was going to happen. You seemed genuinely excited about having a baby sister, even memorizing several books about welcoming a new baby. So when you reacted to D2 the way you did, I was surprised–yes, it was stupid of me to expect so much emotionally of such a young child. Lately, when we are driving in the car and D2 makes a sound, you shout very loudly at her, which causes her to cry and then you to shout louder. This would be perfectly acceptable for most 2.5 year olds, but once again, because of your advanced mental capabilities, I expected more and this left me flustered and frustrated with you.

When you began going up to our children’s church, we thought you’d have few issues. We were wrong. Your grandmother watches you, so we made efforts to take you to public places and on play dates so that you’d begin to learn social norms. While the other kids your age were relatively happy playing amongst themselves, you tried to play with the older kids, and as expected, you were often left out. Frankly, it made me sad when the other kids would plot against you saying, “Oh NO! D1 is coming! Let’s run away,” or “Let’s hide this so that D1 can’t play with it too,” but I didn’t want to step in at every conflict. Lately, you’re fighting back. You’ve perfected the snatch-and-run and I often find the older kids telling on you, complaining that you’re not sharing and such. I think because I’m an Asian parent who wants a well-behaved child and I don’t want to be that parent that sits idly by while their child misbehaves, I would take you aside and discipline you for inappropriate behavior every time something like this occurred. The other kids usually got off scot-free, not because their parents didn’t care, but because older kids are better at hiding potential misdeeds. Trust me – I got away with a lot of stuff while your aunt used to get punished.

And the last few weeks, you’ve been really whiny and difficult to deal with. Compound this with the fact that we’ve been tired, our schedules hectic, and your mother and I rarely have time to sit down and reflect, and you’ve got a lot of crying and a lot of disciplining. Rather than being patient with you and understanding how difficult it has been for you to adapt to no longer being the center of attention at home and adjusting to social norms among older kids who often don’t want to play with you, I’ve made life harder on you. I’ve lost perspective.

Rather than seeing you as a gift from God that I am charged with caring for, loving, and molding for the early part of your life, I became frustrated. Rather than praising you for your unique abilities, I harped on what you lacked. Rather than being an understanding parent, I ruled with a judgmental, iron fist. I’ve lost perspective.

But the nice thing about perspective is that you can get it back if you want. So last night, as your mother and I were in bed discussing your behavior as of late and finally taking time to reflect, we realized we have been in the wrong. We so wanted you to be perfect, all along failing to see that you are a perfect gift from God. Both your mother and I are firstborns in Korean homes and a lot was expected of us and we unwittingly put that same pressure on you. And as if on cue, it began to rain. A lot. As I wrote before, rain reminds me that Jesus’ blood washes away all my sins. I lost perspective but I’ve gotten it back.

You’ll probably never read this but this is a reminder to me to never lose perspective on the wonderful gift you are. I love you.

Merciful Monday: 8.23.10

It’s another Monday and it’s time for me to once again say, “Have Mercy!” in this second installment of Merciful Monday!

To my mom: Have Mercy! My wife went back to school last week, so my mom was back on baby duty. When we got back home, my mom was talking to me about something, but I was playing on my iFriend, and nodding my head and saying, “Uh huh,” even though I clearly wasn’t listening. According to my wife, this was pretty much the conversation.

Mom: So for breakfast, I fed her Cheerios with blueberries. She really liked that.
Me: Uh huh.
Mom: And for lunch, she used to like tofu a lot but now she won’t eat it.
Me: Uh huh.
Mom: So I gave her rice with soup and she seemed to like that ok.
Me: Uh huh.
Mom: And she really likes the fruit snacks I bought her. It’s ok to give her those right?
Me: Uh huh.
Mom: Then for dinner, I fried some eggs with veggies and she picked out all the vegetables!
Me: Uh huh.
[pretty long pause. I finish up playing with my iFriend]
Me: So. Did D1 eat today?
Mom: Are you serious?! I just told you.
[I look over at my wife and she’s shaking her head]

To D1: Have Mercy! So mommy gave you a bath and she had to do something so she asked me to brush your hair. She showed me how to do it last time and I tried my best but good Lord did I make you cry. Those knots sure are tough to get out and though I thought I held all the hair I was brushing in my hand, I guess I missed a few (or a lot). To make it up to you, you can pluck daddy’s nose or eyebrow hairs when you get older.

To D2: Have Mercy! You’re less than 2 months old, but you already have the womanly ability of discerning when a male isn’t giving you his full attention. I was holding you in one hand and playing with my iFriend in what I thought was outside of your view. But you knew. And you let me know. Sorry I tried to get that by you.

To my toes: Have Mercy! Perhaps it’s the fact I haven’t slept 6-8 straight hours in 7 weeks, but I keep stubbing you on all kinds of things. Being a father to an infant makes you more loving and patient, but also infinitely more clumsy. And I seriously don’t need any help in that last department.

To my gym: Have Mercy! I know. I know. I promised I’d visit you more often. Even setting lofty goals like 3-5 times a week. But I mean, after knowing me this long, did you really expect any different? I promise I’ll come visit you this week.

Ah, that feels better. Now to do other dumb things to plead mercy for next Monday live right!

What about you? What do you need forgiveness for?

Merciful Monday: 8.9.10

Themes seem to be a big deal in Blogdom. There’s Friday Flip-offs, Fatherhood Fridays, TMI Thursdays, and Wordless Wednesdays, to name a few, so I figured I’d startup a theme as well. I don’t have any intentions at this point of making this into a blog hop but I will make an icon for it, you know, to make it quasi-official. I have no photoshop skills but I am adept at MS Paint. And voila! Pop’s Merciful Monday logo:For those who didn’t spend their formative years spending Friday nights watching TGIF, my hastily done logo is a reference to Full House and Uncle Jesse, who used to say, “Have mercy.”

So what’s the deal with Merciful Monday? While Flip-off Fridays is reserved for the dumb people and things that make me angry, Merciful Monday is reserved for the biggest dummy of all: me, because Lord knows I do some stupid things that require mercy and forgiveness. And being a Christian, repentance is an important thing in my life so I figure I’ll make it a regular part of my blog as well. Why Monday? I want to start my week of blogging off with a clean slate. So here goes!

To my wife: Have Mercy! Last week, it was (re)discovered that I am a terrible listener – most likely because my attention was divided. Here’s one instance:

Wife: We should go here because they have (blank) <- Again, I’m not a good listener because I don’t remember what they have.
Me: What? They have (blank)?!
Wife: Yes. Remember? I’ve been talking about this forever.
Me: Are you sure? (gentlemen, “Are you sure?” is never a good thing to ask a lady)
Wife: Yes, I’m sure. I guess you haven’t been listening.
Me: Are you sure? I think I would’ve remember if they had (blank). (Again, this doesn’t help you)
Wife: ……. (and all guys know, ……. means you’re dead)

And another:

Wife: [after returning from shopping] wanna see what I bought?
Me: Sure.
Wife: Isn’t this CUTE?!
Me: Uh huh…
Wife: And this one! This was the grand jewel! I can’t believe I got such a good deal on it! Isn’t it CUTE?!?!
Me: Uh huh…
Wife: Are you even looking?
Me: Sure I am.
Wife: What color was the shirt I just showed you?
Me: ……. (CRAP!)

To D1: Have Mercy! You were running and something in a store window caught your eye and you BAM ran into a wall. I tried really hard not to laugh, but I couldn’t help it.

To D2: Have Mercy! When you cry, you make the cutest sour face. So whenever you do, instead of consoling you, I reach for the camcorder.

To the people I’ve been meaning to call: Have Mercy! I promise calling you is on my To-Do list and that it is a priority – though I just keep modifying the date so that it looks like it’s not overdue. I’ll try my best to call you this week and if not, I’ll update the due date on my To-Do list accordingly.

To the Verizon FiOS Salesperson: Have Mercy! I know you want us to upgrade to FiOS but we’re perfectly happy with our DSL service and don’t want to pay extra money. When I said, “Sure, I’m interested. Could you leave the literature please?” I was lying.

To the Jehovah’s Witnesses: Have Mercy! When you rang the doorbell at 9am on a Saturday, I was actually home. And in fact, you probably knew I was as I was making something in the kitchen when you did. Actually, I take it back. Who comes to a home and rings the doorbell on a Saturday morning?! And stop leaving those magazines at our door – save me a step and throw it into the recycle bin as you exit my premises.

Ah, that feels better. Now to do other dumb things to plead mercy for next Monday live right!

What about you? What do you need forgiveness for?