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Friday Flip-Offs, 11/19 Pop’s Edition

November 19, 2010 36 comments

Another Friday and you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Sure I’ve got lots to be happy about, but little things have been annoying me as of late. Maybe I am getting more crotchety as I get older? Well, dear readers, whether you like it or not, here’s my crotch on full display.

To Thanksgiving: FLIP OFF! Really?! Thanksgiving is next week? Why does it seem like the holidays are sneaking up on me this year? And why am I already putting on holiday eating weight before any holiday dinners/parties? I guess I like to overachieve.

To gift cards: FLIP OFF! Does anyone else hate receiving gift cards? Maybe it’s because I’m the guy who either A) loses/forgets where he put his gift cards or B) waits for a sale that never happens or C) keeps them in his wallet and constantly forgets about using them even when he visits a particular retailer to use a particular gift card. Gift cards only require a little bit more thought than cash, e.g., “He’s a guy, so I’d better buy a Best Buy gift card and not an Ann Taylor gift card.” or “She’s a girl so I’m guessing she’d rather not get a gift card to Bass Pro Shops,” and yet, somehow they’re an acceptable gift. Worst of all are those AmEx or Visa gift cards – it’s basically like giving cash only you’re not and you usually have to pay an activation and/or maintenance fee on them. Visa advertises the cards by saying, “Give people the freedom to buy what they want.” So the people who give them usually think, “Wow. I am such a thoughtful friend. I’m giving my friend to freedom to go buy what he or she wants because it’s like cash. *pats self on back*.” You know what else is like cash? Cash.

This makes no sense to me. So if you ever want to give me a gift card, just give me cash. I promise I won’t be offended.

Also, I just realized this rant may result in me getting nothing but Ann Taylor gift cards for Christmas.

To parents at the mall who don’t understand the concept of a personal bubble: FLIP OFF! Sure, our kids are sharing germs in the play area but that doesn’t mean you gotta get all up in my bit. Here’s a diagram to help you understand.

I don't want to smell you

And you, overly friendly dad? We nearly touched junks. That’s never a cool thing.

By our junks combined, I am seriously grossed out

And you, dad who adopted Korean kids and wants to practice Korean? I get that you want to practice but maybe you should practice with people you know, not random people at the mall. And maybe you should learn more than just how to say hello.

Other Dad: ahn young hah seh YO!
Me: Uhhhhh, hello.
OD: Are you, Korean?
Me: *thinking: what gave it away? My big head or my small eyes? Or do I smell like garlic?* Yes, I am.
OD: That’s great [gives me his whole history on why he speaks Korean to random people who look remotely Korean]
Me: Ummmm, Ok. So is that all you say in Korean?
OD: Pretty much.

Thrilling discourse. Really. I should go to the mall more often to see 8 year old girls wearing short short skirts with their tall tall Uggs and enjoy more enlightening conversations. At least Sarku is always giving out free samples.

To parents who change their kids at the table at a restaurant: FLIP OFF! Yes, public restrooms can be disgusting and if there isn’t a changing table, your baby has to engage in diaper change aerobics, but for the love of all that is good and holy, PLEASE STOP CHANGING DIAPERS AT THE TABLE! I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve left some nasty diapers in some awfully tiny bathroom trashcans, but I’ve never subjected other diners to the nastiness that is a poopy diaper. Furthermore, it’s going to be very difficult for me to eat curry again, particularly dal, at an Indian restaurant.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 11/7 Pop’s Edition

November 5, 2010 35 comments

Lots going on in Pop’s home these days. D2’s teeth are starting to come in and she’s trying to roll over, which is initially exciting, but then you realize it’s no fun b/c she won’t be where you left her when you get back. D1’s nowhere near puberty (actually, she may not be that far off) but she’s already having massive mood swings. My wife and I are contemplating our future with buying/selling a home and contemplating homeschooling, and while exciting, it’s a lot to think and pray about. So you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Let’s get to it.

To certain cops: FLIP OFF! I appreciate cops and all that they do but some cops need to be flipped off. Three times this week, I was stuck in heavy traffic. I then hear a siren from the distance and figure, “Ah, crap. It’s an accident.” So of course, the traffic jam gets worse as all the cars move out of the way so the cop can get through to the scene of the accident to perform their duties. Only thing is, there is no accident, and once the cop is past the traffic, the sirens turn off. *resisting the urge to make a doughnut joke*

To puberty: FLIP OFF! Seriously?! Girls are starting puberty at 7 or 8? 7 or 8 is when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air should pull up to the house; not when I need to deal with 24 cases of PMS per year. Also, I just realized that in about 10 years  I will have 3 ladies PMSing at the same time in my home (women do cycle up, right?). Maybe I should look into a bomb shelter as an added feature for our next home?

To getting older: FLIP OFF! I’m still pretty young (emphasis on the pretty, oh so pretty) but I’m exhibiting signs of getting older.

  1. My calf cramped up while I was stretching before I got out of bed in the morning
  2. My metabolism is nowhere near what it used to be. Congratulations, Wifey! My love handles are here to stay!
  3. When I get together with friends, we talk about riveting things like mortgages and home improvements
  4. Tired is not how I feel; it’s who I am
  5. I most look forward to weekends where nothing is planned

But I can still hear up to 18kHz on the hearing test (though it isn’t as piercing as it used to be) and I’m not graying, so I guess I’m ok.

To Mike Shanahan: FLIP OFF! Seriously? Rex Grossman gives us the best chance to win?! Who’d you ask for that advice? Steve Spurrier?! And poor conditioning for 2 minutes? Aside from the first time, most men have enough stamina to last two minutes.

To location-based services: FLIP OFF! Maybe this ties in with me getting older, but I’m not a fan of Four Square, Facebook Places and other location-based services. Now a lot of businesses are beginning to offer deals exclusively through those services. That’s all well and good for those who don’t mind giving up certain aspects of their privacy for a free burrito, but I hope this doesn’t mean the end of printing out coupons that were meant for people signed up for an email club that I can mass-print through SlickDeals.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 10/29 Pop’s Edition

October 29, 2010 43 comments

I cannot believe it’s already the end of October. Well, I started the month flipping stuff off, so you best believe I’m ending the month flipping stuff off. Let’s get to it!

To the DC area weather: FLIP OFF! Two weeks ago, it felt like fall: cooler temperatures, a nice breeze, leaves changing colors, and Punkin Ale in my hand(s) – remember, double fisting is classy. The past week, however, was hot and humid with a 90% chance of swamp crotch, giving way to swamp ass in the evening. On Wednesday, I actually had to turn the a/c on in the house. This morning? COLD! The high temperature today is expected to be 59°F with lows in the 30s!

And guess what happens when the temperatures fluctuate so much? Kids get sick. And you know what happens when kids get sick? Their parents get sick. And you know what happens when the parents get sick? They pass on their germs, which have now mutated and evolved, to their kids. And you know what happens when kids get infested with mutant germs? They pass their mutant germs, which have now grown a second ass, to their parents. This cycle repeats until you have a germ so big that you consider claiming it as a dependent on your tax return in the spring. Speaking of fall…

To fall yardwork: FLIP OFF! I love fall: the foliage, the pumpkin patches, apple cider, and all that. But then I looked at my backyard and remembered that I hate fall yardwork. Leaves are all over the place and all the trees and plants, which looked terrible and shriveled all summer,  decided to be like a desperate, late-blooming teenager and finally have a growth spurt, will need to be pruned. And being a dad with two little girls with minimal motor skill development, guess who gets to do all the yardwork? Also, take a wild guess as to who will delay yardwork for as long as possible?

To politicians: FLIP OFF! You see, there’s this little thing called the National Do Not Call Registry, because people hate getting useless phone calls. No, I’m not interested in saving money on my long distance calls, or switching cable providers, or how your products could make me more beautiful – though, admittedly, that last one is intriguing. So I’m certainly not interested in getting phone calls from you every single day telling me how terrible your opponents are. It’s too bad the USPS doesn’t take a page out of gmail’s book and sort all of your crap into spam instead of my mailbox.

I’ve reached the point that I don’t care who wins; I just want this thing to be over. Just promise me that if you win, you’ll be as aggressive at serving your constituents as you were at pissing them off and soliciting ad nauseam for the better part of 2 months.

To Halloween costume makers: FLIP OFF! I think it’s ludicrous what Victoria’s Secret charges for lingerie (don’t get me wrong, especially you, wifey: I’m complaining about the prices, not the lingerie itself). The price/sq. ft for lingerie is exorbitant, especially when compared with grannies. I mean, you pay less for something that has enough fabric to pull over your head than you do for something that literally barely fills in a crack.

But costume makers are even worse: they charge exorbitant prices for something your kids will wear for one day! And don’t get me started on the hoochies-in-training costumes that are so prevalent.

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I thought I flipped you off for the last time more than a month ago. But noooooooo! You’re still hanging around and you went down fighting. Christmas creep is all over the place as I’ve already seen Christmas displays at Target, Sam’s Club, and the Dollar Store, but you go ahead and decide to bring Christmas creep to my nose. Yup. You bit me square on the nose to the point where I looked like Rudolph the rednosed Korean. Well played, well played.

To daylight savings time: FLIP OFF! Yes you’re still a week away but I’m flipping you off in advance. I used to love the extra hour of sleep I got for ‘fall back,’ but I’m pretty sure D1 and D2 didn’t get the memo. So you’re dead to me for the foreseeable future.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 10/1 Pop’s Edition

October 1, 2010 51 comments

I am exhausted today. I didn’t originally plan on writing a blog post but this angered me to no end.

To my neighbor: FLIP OFF! This was what I tweeted at 2:46am!

By 2:50, we finally calmed both D1 and D2 down but the alarm was still going off. I decided to take matters into my own hands. I put on some clothes–yes, I sleep in just my baggy skorts boxer briefs. Aren’t you glad this blog is anonymous? Otherwise, the visual would be jarring. Anywho, I briefly contemplate doing very bad things to her car–which is incidentally parked right in front of D1’s room–but decide against it. I figured my dog poop morning breath would be punishment enough and I fully planned on drawing out all my words like “Hiiiiiiiiii neeeeeeeighboooooooooooooor. You’re alaaaaaaaaaaaaarm is gooooooing ooooooooooof.” I ring her doorbell like it’s a video game that requires button mashing, all the while hearing:

BOOOOOOOP BOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!
ENGK! ENGK! ENGK! ENGK!
BURR-WEEEEEE BURR-WEEEEEE!
WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW!

in the background, which made my button mashing increasingly forceful.

After a minute or so, mercifully the alarm stops. Since I didn’t hear a BEEP BEEP, I assume the car alarm has a snooze function – you know, like your alarm that just turns off after you try to ignore it for 10 minutes. But I hoped for the best.

This is what I tweeted at 3am:

Either our neighbors–yes, plural: both of their cars were parked there last night–hibernate at night or they are deaf to their own car alarm.

Seriously. What is the point of car alarms?! Does anyone even care? I feel like they’re the 20th century equivalent of the boy who cried wolf. It’s the 21st century now, there’s gotta be something better than that right?! I mean, Sprint’s phones come with better theft deterrant:

So the entire house woke up cranky and I have you to thank.

To breast cancer: FLIP OFF! Btw, where in the heck did October come from?! It came so quick (that’s what she said). Anywho, October is Breast Cancer Awareness month. A dear friend of mine is going through chemo right now and I know countless others are affected by this. If there’s anything Americans love, it’s fast cars, buffets, freedom, and breasts – in some order. So leave the boobies alone!

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

And thanks again to Momma Kiss – the vajazzled purple dinosaur – for hosting this week!

Friday Flip-Offs, 9/17 Pop’s Edition

September 17, 2010 33 comments

With the vacation, a short work week, and the gorgeous weather, I’d have to say it was a great week. But that doesn’t mean nothing riled up my anger or any problems arose.  So for today’s blog post, I’m doing like Devo: when a problem comes along, you must flip it! WOOPAH! Flip it good!

Once again, thanks to Momma Kiss who is filling in for Gigi, who is busy jotting down who needs detention for Back to School Back to Blogging next week (me). On to the flips!

To that mom at Target: FLIP OFF! Yes, D2 is huge now (15.5lbs, 24.5″ at her checkup) and her thighs are especially chunky so she barely fits size 1-2 diapers (up to 15lbs), but my wife recently found a stash of size 1 diapers (8-14lbs) that we never used. Being the cheap person I am, I couldn’t bring myself to toss them so I decided to use them. For you ladies, imagine squeezing into a pair of jeans that fit you perfectly before you had kids. The seams would be crying for mercy, no? For you guys, imagine squeezing into an Under Armour top. It’s tight to begin with:


Now imagine if you bought a size too small. You’d look like a walking sausage right? That’s what D2 looked like when I squeezed her into her size 1 diapers.

So back to you, lady at Target. I was too lazy to rebutton D2’s onesie after a diaper change so her tight diaper is clearly visible – and yes, that tiny velcro flap thing is holding on for dear life – you walk by and say, “Her diaper’s a little tight you know.” Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious. Now flip off and let me be a cheap dad in peace.

To my weight: FLIP OFF! It’s either you or the scale at my house is a random number generator. I eat healthy and exercise for a week and I lose 1lb (2-3lbs if I take off my clothes. Reminder to self: if weighing self naked, lock the door. Reminder to self 2: continue to pray the image of your hairy butt cheeks be erased from D1’s memory). I eat like a pig on vacation and only gain 1lb. Then I eat healthy and inexplicably gain 4lbs?!?!

To Redskins Fans: FLIP OFF! Monday mornings during football season in DC are so full of hyperbole. Yes, we won. And yes, it was the Cowboys but calm the flip down! We only had 250 yards of total offense (380 for the Cowboys), we were 0-2 in the redzone and we didn’t score an offensive touchdown.

To the Corn Refiners Association: FLIP OFF! You applied for permission to use the name “corn sugar” in place of high fructose corn syrup on food labels. Like Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and sugar by any other name would make you just as fat. The name is not the issue but thanks for the distraction.

To men who cannot properly use a urinal: FLIP OFF! Sure, splashback is both a problem and embarrassing, but that doesn’t mean you should stand 3 feet away from the urinal and pee all over the floor! The last few public restrooms I used, I had to straddle Lake Urine while I peed. Not cute. Learn to 1) aim and 2) the proper angle in order to prevent splashback.

And if you’re too shy to use the urinal and pee in the stalls instead, make sure your aim is true.

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I seriously hope this will be my last flip off for you in 2010. Please die. Thanks.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 9/3 Pop’s Edition

September 3, 2010 31 comments

It’s hard to be upset on the verge of a 3-day weekend, but for you, my dear readers, I’ll try my best. Here are my flips for this week. And if you’re interested in linking up, head on over to Momma Kiss, who is hostessing this week for Gigi.

To September: FLIP OFF! How dare you come so soon? (that’s what she said) Where in the heck did August go?! I had all these things I wanted to do before the end of summer and next thing I know, it’s already labor day weekend!

To zits: FLIP OFF! Do I look like a pubescent boy to you? Ok, sure, I act and think like one sometimes, but I thought I was way past the age where I get the lot of youse! Especially you, painful-tip-of-the-nose zit and I’m looking right at you too, excruciating-between-my-nose-and-cheek zit, and don’t think I forgot about you, so-huge-on-my-forehead-people-think-you’re-a-bindi zit.

To the gas station manager: FLIP OFF! You run the gas station that is most convenient for me to visit and for the past few months, this cycle has repeated itself.

  1. I see that gas prices are dropping and your prices are the lowest in town.
  2. I stop by a day or two later and gas prices have gone up 3 or 4 cents. I figure gas prices are going back up and fill up.
  3. After filling up, I drive by other gas stations, and their prices are now significantly lower than yours.
  4. The next day, I drive by your station and gas prices are back down 3 or 4 cents. I get angry and vow to beat the system the next time.
  5. The next week, I see that gas prices have dropped again, so this time, I stop in and make sure I get a fill up at these low, low prices.
  6. The next morning, I drive by your station and see that gas prices have dropped even further.
  7. As my tank nears empty, gas prices are going back up. I wait, and wait and wait, but the prices aren’t going down.
  8. My gas light comes on so I cave and buy gas at a pretty high price.
  9. The next day, I drove by and your price is down to Step. 1 levels and the cycle repeats itself.

ARGH!

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! That’s right. I’m flippin you off again. This week, I thought I gained the upper hand when I got a double kill with one clap of my hands. Oh, that was so satisfying. And then I get two bites just above my collar bone, which are insanely itchy. I tried not to itch them, but these were worse than usual. As a result, my coworkers all thought I had a hickey and if I had a nickel for every time someone said, “Had fun last night, huh?” this week, I’d have $0.65. Well played, mutant ninja mosquitoes. Well played.

To the new Hanes boxer briefs: FLIP OFF! I’m not sure if you changed materials, design, or the country they are made in, but these new boxer briefs just aren’t cutting it. I used to be able to wear a pair for several years before I got holes in them, the crotch wore down (don’t pretend it hasn’t happened to you), or they got baggy and looked like skorts, but now?! I bought a pair a month ago and they’re already like a pair of boxers. I went running the other day and felt as self-conscious as a woman running sans bra. I felt like I was riding a roller coaster without the safety harness. The only thing that should be flopping and jiggling around during a run is my fat.

To preseason football: FLIP OFF! You’re like lite ranch – you look like the real thing, you smell like the real thing, but you’re nowhere near as satisfying as the real thing. Thankfully, you’re done so all the optimism we Redskins fans had is also done the real games can begin.

To Tuesday, 9/7: FLIP OFF! I can already tell I’m not going to like you.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 8/27 Pop’s Edition

August 27, 2010 37 comments

This is my 3rd week joining in on Friday Flip-Offs (here’s the first and second in case you want to look back at my former flips). Gigi over at Kludgy Mom is having a rough week, what with an injury and too many balls in the air, but like the athletes we love, she played through the pain – and with only one glass of wine, no less! So stop by and give her a shout. Without further ado, here are Pop’s Flip-Offs.

To Annoying iPhone Guy: FLIP OFF! You happened to be behind me while we were waiting in line at the bank. I’m using my iPhone in peace and you start a conversation:

AiG: Hey. Is that the new iPhone?
Me: No.
AiG: Oh. Is it the 3GS?
Me: No.
AiG: Oh. So it’s a 3G. Cool. That’s the one I’ve got [you take yours out, unlock it, show it to me, and I instantly see what a douche interesting guy you are: you have a fart app on your homepage]
Me: Actually, I have a 2G.

My iFriend

You then look at me as if I’m from a lower caste or if you were a priest and I were a beaten down Samaritan left on the side of the road. Listen, buddy. Sure, your 3G is about twice as fast as my 170kbps download speed, but I like my iFriend, thank you very much! We go way back and in fact, we’ve gotten in trouble on multiple occasions. Sure, I’m eligible for an upgrade but I like the cost of my data plan ($25, 200 txt + unltd M2M) and when Apple upgrades the iSmallComputer iSometimesPhone iUsuallyDropCalls iPhone 4, I’ll probably upgrade then. So why don’t you FLIP-OFF and head to your frat or magic card party and wow and entertain all your friends with your hilarious fart app.

To Target: FLIP OFF! Listen. I like you. I really do. In fact, considering how much money and time my wife and I have spent on you, you could be thought of as our significant other. And I love the fact that you’ve added high priced groceries – you know how I feel about taking my kids out of the car multiple times, so I don’t need to contemplate breaking the law make a quick stop at the grocery store for something small. But please get your checkout system together!

I have this theory, which I call the Target Cluster Theorem: when you enter Target, no one will be in line checking out; when you are ready to check out, everyone else in the store decides to check out at the exact same time and the registers will become a cluster. The fact that you have those double lanes, of which only one is usually open, makes it hard to tell which line is the shortest. Complicating matters is the fact that people’s carts can be HUGE, e.g., one lady’s cart had windshield washer fluid, a lamp, a clock, canned beans, ice cream, some bras, other clothes, AND she ravaged the clearance bins like they were going out of style. And all I needed to buy were these lamps you had on sale. So needless to say, people can and do get pretty flustered and frustrated during check out.

And yet, despite the Target Cluster Theorem proving true when a hoard of customers approaches checkout, no manager ever calls extra employees to the front lines at that instant. In fact, when the cashiers see the hoard, they decide to flick off their lights and say, “You’re my last customer.” And somehow, said customer seems to always be the lady in front of me with the massive cart that makes you wonder what exactly she’s going to do with all that stuff. After the lines get backed up, people get annoyed and it’s clear 2 checkout lanes aren’t enough, we hear on the intercom, “Dear Target employees. We have a code Cluster. All available employees to the front.”

I love you, Target. But until you get your act together, FLIP OFF!

P.S. See you tonight. xoxo
P.P.S. Couldn’t you have made those giant red balls in the front of the store kickballs? That would’ve been so awesome!

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! When God said, “Be fruitful and multiply,” He was talking to Adam and Eve, not you! I know we’ve had lots of rain but you done multiplied and made tons of little mutant ninja mosquito babies – and they’re harder to kill and their bites are just as itchy. I hate you. I’m typically not a fan of capital punishment, but if you were to be executed, I’d have a front row seat and bring popcorn.

To my eyes: FLIP OFF! Well, that sounds kind of harsh. I mean, I don’t want to be blind. So flip off. I know I’m getting older but what’s with all these floaters in my eye! Turd floaters are annoying but they can be flushed; eye floaters are microscopic and you pretty much have to live with them forever. Great! Not only do I have unflushable turds in my eye, but they’re getting bigger everyday.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?