Friday Flip-Offs, 9/3 Pop’s Edition
It’s hard to be upset on the verge of a 3-day weekend, but for you, my dear readers, I’ll try my best. Here are my flips for this week. And if you’re interested in linking up, head on over to Momma Kiss, who is hostessing this week for Gigi.
To September: FLIP OFF! How dare you come so soon? (that’s what she said) Where in the heck did August go?! I had all these things I wanted to do before the end of summer and next thing I know, it’s already labor day weekend!
To zits: FLIP OFF! Do I look like a pubescent boy to you? Ok, sure, I act and think like one sometimes, but I thought I was way past the age where I get the lot of youse! Especially you, painful-tip-of-the-nose zit and I’m looking right at you too, excruciating-between-my-nose-and-cheek zit, and don’t think I forgot about you, so-huge-on-my-forehead-people-think-you’re-a-bindi zit.
To the gas station manager: FLIP OFF! You run the gas station that is most convenient for me to visit and for the past few months, this cycle has repeated itself.
- I see that gas prices are dropping and your prices are the lowest in town.
- I stop by a day or two later and gas prices have gone up 3 or 4 cents. I figure gas prices are going back up and fill up.
- After filling up, I drive by other gas stations, and their prices are now significantly lower than yours.
- The next day, I drive by your station and gas prices are back down 3 or 4 cents. I get angry and vow to beat the system the next time.
- The next week, I see that gas prices have dropped again, so this time, I stop in and make sure I get a fill up at these low, low prices.
- The next morning, I drive by your station and see that gas prices have dropped even further.
- As my tank nears empty, gas prices are going back up. I wait, and wait and wait, but the prices aren’t going down.
- My gas light comes on so I cave and buy gas at a pretty high price.
- The next day, I drove by and your price is down to Step. 1 levels and the cycle repeats itself.
To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! That’s right. I’m flippin you off again. This week, I thought I gained the upper hand when I got a double kill with one clap of my hands. Oh, that was so satisfying. And then I get two bites just above my collar bone, which are insanely itchy. I tried not to itch them, but these were worse than usual. As a result, my coworkers all thought I had a hickey and if I had a nickel for every time someone said, “Had fun last night, huh?” this week, I’d have $0.65. Well played, mutant ninja mosquitoes. Well played.
To the new Hanes boxer briefs: FLIP OFF! I’m not sure if you changed materials, design, or the country they are made in, but these new boxer briefs just aren’t cutting it. I used to be able to wear a pair for several years before I got holes in them, the crotch wore down (don’t pretend it hasn’t happened to you), or they got baggy and looked like skorts, but now?! I bought a pair a month ago and they’re already like a pair of boxers. I went running the other day and felt as self-conscious as a woman running sans bra. I felt like I was riding a roller coaster without the safety harness. The only thing that should be flopping and jiggling around during a run is my fat.
To preseason football: FLIP OFF! You’re like lite ranch – you look like the real thing, you smell like the real thing, but you’re nowhere near as satisfying as the real thing. Thankfully, you’re done so all the optimism we Redskins fans had is also done the real games can begin.
To Tuesday, 9/7: FLIP OFF! I can already tell I’m not going to like you.
*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?