I’m a Dad #11: I Learned It By Watching You

Who doesn’t remember this PSA?

My wife and I used the last line, “I LEARNED IT BY WATCHING YOU!”  as a joke when she was picking up bad habits from me we were picking up bad habits from each like leaving my clothes all over the floor. But now? It’s not funny anymore. I have to remember that I’m a dad.

A few months back, I noticed D1 was in the habit of smelling her feet. No matter how many times I tell her to stop, I often find she sits down and sniffs her feet. And sometimes, she’ll crawl over to me and smell my feet and say, “STINKY! Appa’s STINKY!” For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out where she learned that from. Then one day, we get home from work and my wife notices D1 sniffing her feet and asks, “How long has she been doing that?” “A few months,” I tell her, “I have no idea why she’s doing that.” “Ummmm, hello,” my wife replies, “She learned it from you!” “What,” I exclaim, “That’s absurd!” I then take off my socks after a long day of work and do a sniff check. Yup! Those definitely can’t be worn again.

One day, I was sitting down playing with my iPhone kids and D1 comes up to my seat and picks a scab. “Ow,” I shout, “D1, you don’t do that! That hurts and now I’m bleeding.” “Sorry, appa,” she replied. Later, my wife gets home and she sees blood dripping out of the wound.

Wife: What happened?
Me: D1 picked my scab. What the heck right?!
Wife: OW!!!
Me: What???
Wife: You’re picking my scab!!!
Me: oh…sorry…force of habit

Finally, I often find D1 running around in just her underwear around the house. “D1,” I shout, “You need to wear clothes around the house. That’s embarrassing!” “Uhhh, honey,” my wife inconveniently points out, “You’re only wearing your boxer briefs…”

Sometimes, I forget that I’m a dad and that my kids are ALWAYS watching and learning.

What about you? What bad habits of yours or your spouse have your kids picked up? Do you pick your spouses scabs too? Do you think it odd that I do?

Unabashed self promotion: Mind clicking over and voting for me for the Top 25 Daddy Blogs list? http://www.circleofmoms.com/blogger/go-pop-go-1

I’m a Dad #10

This morning, I was about to walk down the stairs to get breakfast and D1 came beside me and asked to hold my hand. She told me to walk slower and we walked step-by-step, hand-in-hand. When we got downstairs, I asked her why she wanted to hold my hand and walk slower and she said, “Because I want to marry you, appa.” “Why do you want to marry me,” I asked. “Because I love you.”

It’s not even 7am and my heart is completely melted. IAD

I’m a Dad #9

I’m typically a law-abiding citizen. I pay my taxes; I don’t swear while driving in Rockville…at least not with the windows down; I’m not climbing in your windows, snatching your people up; I don’t speed in traffic camera areas; I pay for my coffee at work; and I don’t ask for a cup for water and put soda in it. But you know you’re a dad when you want to break certain child safety laws. There are two laws in particular I’ve really wanted to break on multiple occasions.

Car Seat Law

On long drives with infants, meltdowns are inevitable. You tell yourself, “They can’t possibly cry for the rest of the drive, can they?” Oh they can. And they will. “What’s the big deal, Pop,” you might ask, “can’t you just pull over and let your wife breastfeed your kid?” Well, when it comes to long drives, I’m like George Costanza and I gotta make good time. Don’t get me wrong, the car seat law makes very good sense but in those instances, I kind of wish I had the luxury of letting my wife hold/feed the kids in the backseat. Heck, I grew up riding in the front seat of an Oldsmobile with a jagged, ridiculously hard dashboard. And on long drives, my sister and I played games in the back of the station wagon. And you know what? My parents stayed sane and we always made good time.

Not Leaving Your Kids in the Car

All Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts should have a drive thru. The first time I saw a drive thru at Starbucks, I thought, “Seriously? Are people SO lazy that they can’t get out of their cars for a cup of coffee?” Now? I’m eating my words, and I’m washing it down with a latte with extra foam. I say it again: every Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts should have a drive thru. All you parents feelin me, say YEAH!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought, “My car is in full view. I’m only going to run in for one second. Would I really get in trouble?” For those of you who aren’t parents, things that used to be simple, like leaving the house or getting out of your car, become insanely complicated. For instance, getting out of the car requires that I:

1. Get out the Snugride stroller frame and make sure the brakes are on.
2. Put D2, who is hopefully not wailing, and her Snugride into the Snugride frame.
3. Put the diaper bag on – kids have a magic ability to take the nastiest poops or overflowing pees when you aren’t prepared.
4. Go over to the other side of the car.
5. Take D1 out and hold her with one arm.

Then I approach the land flowing with milk and caffeine with a toddler in one arm, a diaper bag on my shoulder, and pushing a stroller with my other arm. And pushing a stroller with one hand isn’t as easy as it may seem. I then have to somehow get my wallet out to pay for my liquid nourishment and carry it back to the car. For those of you keeping score at home, that means I now have 3 things and only 2 hands.

Like your car’s Maintenance Required light, you can ignore certain personal maintenance things, like the dentist and annual checkups. But as a parent, caffeine is like your fuel and running on empty will result in immediate, terrible consequences. So the other day, I have both kids to myself and I’m in dire need of caffeine. I park at Dunkin Donuts and once again, I contemplate breaking the law, but of course, I think better of it. I go through the routine and adeptly approach the counter – can I just say, THANK GOD FOR THE HANDICAPPED BUTTON that opens doors because Lord knows teens these days won’t hold a door open for you. I pay for my iced coffee and make my way back to the car. And then D1 decides she wants to get down and run, so I reach out to grab her and in slow motion, my coffee hits the ground, the lid pops off, and liquid gold gets everywhere.

At this point, I’m rather upset but D1 says, “Uh oh! Don’t worry, appa!” Caffeine is good, but my daughter saying cute things perks me up just as well.

So yeah, those are the two laws I wish I could break as a parent. Am I the only parent that feels this way? But don’t worry, I’ve never actually broken these laws, so no need to hide your kids, hide your wife.

I’m a (law-abiding, albeit reluctantly) Dad.

I’m a Dad #8

A few weeks ago, I was having a terrible day at work.

The printer kept giving me the PC LOAD LETTER error All of my network printers were lost and I spent the better part of the morning reinstalling them.

Someone sent me a file via Lotus Notes and after editing for half an hour, Word froze. I didn’t save the file as anything and Word didn’t autosave, so I had to do it over again. After I finally finished, the person was pretty upset that it took me so long.

Someone took work I did and claimed it as their own and got all the credit.

I was the last one to find out about leftovers from a luncheon and all that was left was the garnish and bologna.

I was enjoying time on the throne when someone turned off the light as they were leaving the bathroom.

I got bumped in the hallway and the other person didn’t so much as give me a second glance.

I got chewed out for something I didn’t have a direct hand in.

Nothing seemed to be going right.

I got a papercut.

On the way home I must have had a “Please Cut Me Off, I Don’t Mind” sticker on the side of my car because everyone was cutting me off.

After parking the car, I took a moment to reflect on the day. Failing so miserably at climbing the corporate ladder sure makes me feel like a nobody.

When I got into the house, D1 drops the book she was reading (she loves to read so this was huge), shouts, “APPA!”, then shouts “YAY!” as she runs over to me, gives me a hug and says, “I love you, appa! I missed you!”

Life may beat me down and make me feel like a nobody, but as long as I’m somebody to my daughters, I’m good. IAD

I’m a Dad #7

This is the 3rd time this has happened in my life:

Wife: So what should we do for Father’s Day?
Me: Well, I think my dad has been wanting this…and your dad could use that.
W: Well, what about you?
M: Oh, right…IAD

To all the dads out there, Happy Father’s Day! Drink a cold beer, grab a greasy burger, and laugh with your kid(s)!

I’m a Dad #6

This morning, I sat my daughter on the toilet per her typical daily routine. She usually sits there for a few minutes and exclaims, “DADDY I PEED,” even though she hasn’t and then asks to get down. But then I heard it. Drip….drip….trickle…stream…..trickle….drip….drip. This was my reaction

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL IAD

I’m a Dad #5

My wife and I have found that flushing the poop from a poopy diaper before throwing the diaper in the trash helps us get from one trash day to the next without creating a biohazard in our home. Yesterday, my daughter pooped what I like to call Pam, as in the cooking spray – comes out so clean that there’s no residue on the wipes. I also like to call these the Poop ‘n go’s because you barely have to wipe afterward. I love Pams. So after wiping her up and putting on a fresh diaper, I go to flush the Pams in the toilet. I guess she must’ve eaten some lead or something because these turds hit the water with such force, you’d think they were trying to sink a battleship. So much force that some water splashed on my face. Yes, you read that right. Face. IAD

I’m a Dad #4

The wife and I are planning on heading to a buffet tonight. I used to love going to buffets because 1) I can eat a lot, 2) I love variety when I eat, and 3) I always get my money’s worth. Now I’m excited because my daughter eats for free. And she can do some damage. IAD

I’m a Dad #3

My daughter loves Strawberry Shortcake, so I’ve read this book–yes, the entire 6 book collection–no less than 50 times. The book replaces the word very with berry, e.g., Strawberry Shortcake was berry surprised. The other day, a coworker asked me how I was feeling about baby #2’s birth being so close and I said, “I’m berry excited.” I tried to play it off by quickly looking down at my cup of tea, not making eye contact, and walking away. Yup. When berry becomes a regular part of my vocabulary, I know IAD.

I’m a Dad #2

Yesterday, I was driving our minivan by myself and my daughter’s Sesame Street CD was playing from the last time she was in the car. While stopped at a traffic light, C is for Cookie came on and without a second thought, I began singing it in my Cookie Monster voice – my daughter loves it when I do that. Then I noticed the guys in the car next to me staring and snickering at me. My window was rolled down. IAD