Home > TMI Thursday > TMI Thursday: Urine Big Trouble Mister

TMI Thursday: Urine Big Trouble Mister

October 14, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

So this was LiLu’s thing – if you haven’t visited her blog, you need to do so. Go on. I can wait. If you missed my previous TMI Thursday in which I lamented the loss of my wife’s breasts, check that out too. Go on, I’ve got nothing but time.

I figured I should give some backstory on how this post came to be, a.k.a., the confluence of greatness. I posted last week about how much I love my wife, but I hate to burst your bubble, but she doesn’t love everything I do. For the past few weeks, I’ve also been posting about how awesome my childhood was and in every post, I had a Full House reference. And earlier this morning, I had this exchange on Twitter with Poppy <–I darn near typed her name Poopy. Sorry, force of habit with the potty training and all.

I was thisclose to replying something but I couldn’t contain it in 140 characters. So a counter post to my love for my wife, an opportunity to incorporate Full House (You’re in big trouble mister! as Michelle Tanner would say. Hence the title, Urine Big Trouble Mister! Get it?! Get it?!), and replying to Poppy is how this post was born.

Disclaimer 1: This is a Too Much Information post. You have been warned.

Disclaimer 2: I know that the majority of my readers are married folks, so please don’t pretend like this doesn’t happen to you.

ONWARD!

Two of the things my wife hated/was shocked about when we first got married and began living together was my inability to put the toilet seat down and my propensity for peeing all over the bathroom.

Now, don’t get the wrong idea: I don’t whip it out and just start peeing all over the place for fun. You see, we men splash. I’m about 5’8″, so my junk hangs at about 30″ or so. The surface of the water in the toilet bowl is probably about 12-20″ off the ground. So that’s roughly 10-18″ my urine has to travel–at fairly high speeds mind you, especially after I hang with my buddies Sam Adams and Mr. Yeungling–so you can imagine the splashing that occurs. And it gets all over the bathroom. And over time, it accumulates. And over time, the bathroom begins to smell like a public restroom.

So how do men battle the splashing problem? Well, I can tell you right now, they don’t handle it well. At least not the guys who use the public restrooms I use, as I typically have to straddle a puddle of pee the size of a lake, 3 feet away from the urinal.

As if controlling the splashback wasn’t difficult enough, there are other factors that complicate matters.

First, alcohol. Imagine the flow of ketchup using one of those old, glass Heinz bottles. That’s your pee on water. Now imagine the flow of ketchup with a squeeze bottle. That’s your pee on beer. Any questions? And that’s IF you have the requisite coordination to aim. One particularly embarrassing moment, my wife goes to use the restroom and notices a puddle of pee on the floor next to the toilet. She used to have a dog so I think for a brief moment she thought the dog peed on the floor. Nope. That’s what happens when your husband has had one too many the night before and has to pee in the middle of the night. In my defense, that only happened once AND I cleaned up the mess myself (though I was ordered by the wife to do so, but still). Falling asleep on the toilet while birthing a food baby in the middle of the night on the other hand has happened far more often than I’d care to admit.

Second, to use a euphemism, when Mr. Happy is awake before you are. Think it’s hard to pee at a 45 degree angle from 12-20″ away? Try doing that when the very thing you have to pee with is pointing up at a 45 degree angle. And while morning wood doesn’t compare with morning sickness in severity, it’s still a problem. Imagine ladies, if you woke up nauseous one morning, ran to the toilet, but couldn’t puke because your mouth was at an angle that made it virtually impossible.

Worst part is, even if you have to pee REAL bad, it’s like your junk is on ED pilss because it isn’t going down anytime soon. So you wait there, squirming because your bladder’s about to explode and like Ron Burgundy, you curse your pleats.

So you could try to do a couple things: 1) you could try and push it down – that feels about as good as you’d imagine or 2) you assume an inclined pushup position by placing your hands on top of the toilet and you adjust until your aim is just right.

But hey, I’ve learned to always leave the toilet seat down. I guess 1 out of 2 ain’t bad.

TMI Thursday

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  1. October 14, 2010 at 12:33 pm

    *GASP* Your wife doesn’t like everything that you do?? Not me, I love it when my husband farts and blows his nose without a tissue and takes bites bigger than his mouth is wide… ooops, TMI! Another good laugh, thanks Pop!

    Oh, and thanks for the encouraging words on my post this morning… I’m gonna need all of the good wishes I can get!!

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 12:59 pm

      Haha. Scott’s awesome!

      It’s a really good thing! Hope to join in every now and then.

  2. October 14, 2010 at 12:38 pm

    Yeah, morning wood baffles me. One thing I’m glad to not have to deal with. I did tell my husband last night that I wish men were the ones who had to shove tampons up their penises six times a day for a week every month. He turned a little green at the thought.

    Food baby is the worst term ever invented.

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:00 pm

      Ugh. I think I’d rather go with a pad.

  3. October 14, 2010 at 12:50 pm

    3) pee in the shower.

    and you don’t know how many times I’ve had to wake my man, who was sleeping on the toilet. Ugh.

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:01 pm

      That is a fabulous idea. Now why didn’t I think of that.

      And glad I’m not the only one. If my wife is reading this comment: SEE! I told you I’m not the only one that does that!

  4. October 14, 2010 at 12:58 pm

    Pop, you need help! My hubs never leaves puddles or splashes and he’s taller than you. Maybe he should offer a “How to pee the way women want you to” class for men like you and my Dad. My parents’ bathroom has carpet so you can imagine the smell. I never got it until I read this post, so now I forgive my Dad for what I thought was laziness. 🙂

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:01 pm

      LOL. Yeah, we have a little rug around the toilet also. Whoops.

    • stephen yang
      October 17, 2010 at 11:44 pm

      i refuse to believe this. all men splash; some men clean up after themselves.

  5. October 14, 2010 at 1:15 pm

    Got half way through this, and my daughter took my iPod. Then read it again, but got lost immediately at LiLu’s, then followed her on Twitter, and… well, almost didn’t find my way back from blogland. But I’m here! I’m here!

    Like veronica, my hubs doesn’t do this. But I’m still taking your wife’s side on this, even though you gave a few good arguments. I must say, this gives “Go, Pop, Go” a whole new meaning.

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:23 pm

      I will never be able to look at my blog’s title the same way again.

  6. Pooh
    October 14, 2010 at 1:17 pm

    Peeing in the shower is a great way to prevent a mess, but that might gross your wife out, which I gather is the opposite of what you’re trying to do. I’ve come across a slightly more acrobatic solution: Instead of doing an inclined pushup facing the toilet, you sit on the toilet as if you were gonna poop, but you bend way forward and put your non-aiming hand on the floor. Then the angle of your dangle will be down into the bowl! Two caveats: don’t do this when you’re still sleepy, and make sure your bending forward far enough. If you don’t, your angle will be too shallow and you’ll blast pee all over the floor in front of you, which makes it slippery for your supporting hand and BOOM now you’ve given yourself a bloody nose with pee all over it.

    • Pooh
      October 14, 2010 at 1:18 pm

      *you’re

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:27 pm

      “you’ll blast pee all over the floor in front of you, which makes it slippery for your supporting hand and BOOM now you’ve given yourself a bloody nose with pee all over it.”

      You speak from experience I presume? I never thought of using my off-hand. I usually just lean forward very far. I once nearly gave myself a charlie horse doing that. I’ll try your method.

      • Pop
        October 14, 2010 at 1:33 pm

        Actually, this can also be dangerous if you lean too far – you could end up taking a dip in the pool.

    • stephen yang
      October 17, 2010 at 11:24 pm

      wow best morning wood peeing advice ever. do you guys ever have the pee just go at a crazy angle when you start peeing? i hate that

      • stephen yang
        October 17, 2010 at 11:26 pm

        i should reword/clarify–does the pee stream goes at like a crazy angle to the left or right relative to where you’re pointing?

        • Pop
          October 18, 2010 at 8:33 am

          Yes. That happens every now and then. Sucks b/c rather than going back to sleep, you have to clean it up.

  7. October 14, 2010 at 1:24 pm

    While this was funny as hell and I appreciate your candor, you have a very small opening for a nice little stream. Lets talk about aim after having 3 kids buddy. Morning woods got nothing on the fan setting of the garden hose nozzle that I have to kegel into the bowl on a daily basis. And peeing outside? Forget it.

    I think I’m speaking for all of the women who are in charge of the bathroom cleaning in their households, the next time you drink, Sit Comet Sit. Good Boy.

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:31 pm

      I’ve been sitting here–no joke–for 5 minutes thinking about an appropriate response. I’ve got nothing. This was amazing.

      And if someone asks why there’s coffee on my keyboard, I’ll say it was the fan setting of a garden hose nozzle.

    • October 14, 2010 at 3:53 pm

      I love this. Childbirth does terrible things to this whole system…. >.<

      • Pop
        October 18, 2010 at 8:35 am

        Bethany, above, had this statement on a recent blog post:

        “all happened before my goods had been mutilated by child birth”

  8. October 14, 2010 at 1:32 pm

    Hilarious! My husband just sits. I used to think he was lazy, but now I think I’m lucky! 🙂

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 1:34 pm

      Indeed. Consider yourself lucky. I’m glad I was able to educate some of you ladies on this important matter.

  9. October 14, 2010 at 2:41 pm

    So…what about my son who’s 9, and I swear he’s doing it on purpose, but he says he isn’t?

    And my husband, who blames my son?

    And my daughters who are nastier still?

    I’m more confused than ever.

    • Pop
      October 14, 2010 at 2:52 pm

      You must go through Clorox wipes like they’re going out of style.

  10. October 14, 2010 at 3:48 pm

    Oh. I’m supposed to clean it up? I thought it was all natural.

    I mean…HELL yeah I do.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:36 am

      With what’s going on in your bathroom, I certainly hope so.

  11. October 14, 2010 at 3:52 pm

    Wow. While Hub is pretty good with the aiming thing? His “shake” is very haphazard & will sprinkle random areas of the bathroom. As the only cleaner of 3 bathrooms, it gives me a twitch if I watch on one of the occasions he leaves the door open.

    And also? My stepdaughter is by far the biggest offender when it comes to “toilet seat nasty.” With 2 males in the house (one 30, one 4), she can outdo them on every level of foulness every time. ::shudder::

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:43 am

      How old is your stepdaughter? I’m kind of afraid as I thought I lucked out with having 2 daughters. *sigh*

      And I agree: the after shake is very important.

  12. October 14, 2010 at 3:56 pm

    Best post ever! I thought my husband was the only one who peed all over the floor – now I realize its all men!

    And the analogy of peeing from water and peeing from alcohol was hilarious!

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:46 am

      Thanks, Biz! And I take comfort knowing that other men have this problem (and maybe my wife does too)

  13. liz
    October 14, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    So, both you and Poppy have “urine” in your title, and Poppy’s tweets on in your post. Apparently I missed out on a lot of twitter fun!!!

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:48 am

      The things you miss out on if you’re away from Twitter too long, especially when Poppy’s tweeting.

  14. October 14, 2010 at 4:59 pm

    You even used the button!!! Awww, I kind of miss these…

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:51 am

      It’s a great button.

  15. October 14, 2010 at 8:42 pm

    I don’t have issue with stream, I have issues with forgetting to flush.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:52 am

      DC UD! This must not be! As dads with young toddlers, the toilets must be flushed at all times. All times! Thankfully, we haven’t had a incident yet with D1 playing with urine filled toilet waters. Yet.

  16. October 15, 2010 at 9:13 am

    This post had me writhing in laughter…I don’t writhe often so yes, feel proud.
    You are funny on so many levels, your honesty is refreshing, and I love a man who puts it “all out there!”…your junk! bwahahahahaha! I have to go back and read again, laughing is a great way to tone your abs!

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:56 am

      I take great pleasure in making my readers writhe. Preferably not in pain but in laughter.

  17. October 16, 2010 at 2:41 am

    I’m sorry to say this, but if you can fall asleep while birthing a food baby you may have narcolepsy.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:57 am

      You may be onto something. Thankfully, it hasn’t happened in a while. I also haven’t visited an all you can eat meat place in a while either. The two may be related.

  18. October 16, 2010 at 1:56 pm

    Note to Self: Don’t read this while eating. Kind of gross…even though it’s funny. Urine Trouble Mister :p. xoxo

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 8:58 am

      LOL. Well, I’ll never be able to eat at CPK quite the same way again so I guess we’re even. xoxo

  19. October 16, 2010 at 8:49 pm

    my 5 year old pees thru his morning wood. i make him tilt. he’s still a shorty, though – so it’s a tad easier. AND both of my kids lift the lid AND put it back down. I’m that good.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 9:00 am

      5yos get it too? Ok, now I’m glad I don’t have boys.

  20. October 16, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    fyi. i almost type poopy for poppy, too. snort.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 9:05 am

      Thankfully, I’ve caught myself before hitting ‘Enter.’ So far anyway.

  21. October 17, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Good lord.

    My husband has the occasional slight splashing problem, but nothing like what you are describing. Puddles? Are you kidding me? Even after drinking, my husband manages to hit the target.

    And morning wood? Step into the shower if the toilet is too small a target. I would rather rinse out the shower than step in a puddle of urine.

    Ack!

    And my husband has never. Not once. Fallen asleep on the toilet.

    I was not even aware such a thing was possible.

    You are all kinds of odd, sir.

    All kinds of odd.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 9:05 am

      Your husband just cleans up after himself. I’m sure of it.

  22. October 17, 2010 at 10:26 pm

    What do you think of a urinal? Like in the hospital when guys aren’t allowed to get out of bed but they have to pee. You just pee into it and pour the urine nice and neat into the toilet.

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 9:08 am

      Oh. I was in the hospital for 2 weeks a while back and had to do that. At one point, they gave me a ton of liquid to drink and I think I darn near peed 32oz. Being able to measure the volume of pee your produce is both exciting and disgusting.

      I kind of want to have a real urinal, like in public bathrooms, installed in my next house.

  23. stephen yang
    October 17, 2010 at 11:27 pm

    this is seriously like one of your top 10–no, top 5 best posts ever

    • Pop
      October 18, 2010 at 9:08 am

      haha. Thank you!

  1. March 23, 2011 at 9:26 am

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