Merciful Monday: 2.7.11
It’s been a while since my last Merciful Monday post. Rest assured that isn’t because I haven’t done stupid things. For those new to the blog, Merciful Monday’s are for me to apologize for stupid things that I’ve done in order to start the week off with a clean slate (not to mention using my sweet, MS Paint-made logo – I consider any chance I can use Uncle Jesse’s hair to be a good thing).
To my car: Have Mercy! You’re now two years old and it shows in the way I treat you. Did I drive off again after leaving a drink on top? Yes. Did I bother to take you to a car wash to get the
love handle maker high fructose corn syrup corn sugar off of you? No. Did a flock of birds decide to take a collective dump while they were flying over you? Yes. Did I bother to get you washed? No. I just waited until it rained. Is there a slightly unpleasant odor emitting from under D1’s carseat? Yes. Am I utterly horrified and completely unwilling to clean out whatever is under there? Absolutely.
But rest assured that my apparent lack of care towards you does not accurately reflect the way I feel about you. Now that you’re reassured of my love for you, I hope you keep chugging along and make it to at least 200,000 miles.
To the seams of my pants: Have Mercy! Lately, you guys have been turning from innies to outies due to my misguided attempts at hibernation this winter. Please, please, please don’t split on me at the worst possible moment. Especially you, crotch seam. And in a similar vein…
To my waist: Have Mercy! Lately, when I go to shower, I find that my
baggy skorts boxer briefs have left an imprint on my waist. In fact, if the Hanes were sewn on the inside, I’m positive that I’d be branded by now. And my gut and muffin top? Let’s just say that I may or may not be acting like a teen girl with an unwanted pregnancy and always wearing baggy hoodies and making sure I keep my hands in the front pocket so as to conceal my front bulge. No ladies, I’m not happy to see you; that’s just my gut. Speaking of front bulges…
To my manhood: Have Mercy! If you didn’t notice, I mentioned the word “ball(s)” quite a bit in my previous post (32 times if you were keeping count). I think I was seriously compensating for this week. You see, this week, we celebrate D1’s 3rd birthday (time went by way too fast!) and the big thing we’re doing is taking her to Disney On Ice presents Princess Wishes. As if Disney on Ice weren’t emasculating enough – we’re going full-bore Old Testament eunuch-making with the Disney Princesses. But I love her so much – so I say meeh to losing my manhood. In fact, bring on the tea parties and playing with dolls, I say! More Belle! More Briar Rose! More Pink! More glitter!*
*Pop’s note: this is why I’m secretly hoping one of our future children will be boys – I figure Nerf guns and blowing stuff up will restore my manhood. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the blue pill. GO SCIENCE!
What about you? Do you know a Muffin (top) man in your life? What do you need forgiveness for as you begin this week?