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Merciful Monday: 2.7.11

February 7, 2011 Leave a comment Go to comments

It’s been a while since my last Merciful Monday post. Rest assured that isn’t because I haven’t done stupid things. For those new to the blog, Merciful Monday’s are for me to apologize for stupid things that I’ve done in order to start the week off with a clean slate (not to mention using my sweet, MS Paint-made logo – I consider any chance I can use Uncle Jesse’s hair to be a good thing).

To my car: Have Mercy! You’re now two years old and it shows in the way I treat you. Did I drive off again after leaving a drink on top? Yes. Did I bother to take you to a car wash to get the love handle maker high fructose corn syrup corn sugar off of you? No. Did a flock of birds decide to take a collective dump while they were flying over you? Yes. Did I bother to get you washed? No. I just waited until it rained. Is there a slightly unpleasant odor emitting from under D1’s carseat? Yes. Am I utterly horrified and completely unwilling to clean out whatever is under there? Absolutely.

But rest assured that my apparent lack of care towards you does not accurately reflect the way I feel about you. Now that you’re reassured of my love for you, I hope you keep chugging along and make it to at least 200,000 miles.

To the seams of my pants: Have Mercy! Lately, you guys have been turning from innies to outies due to my misguided attempts at hibernation this winter. Please, please, please don’t split on me at the worst possible moment. Especially you, crotch seam. And in a similar vein…

To my waist: Have Mercy! Lately, when I go to shower, I find that my baggy skorts boxer briefs have left an imprint on my waist. In fact, if the Hanes were sewn on the inside, I’m positive that I’d be branded by now. And my gut and muffin top? Let’s just say that I may or may not be acting like a teen girl with an unwanted pregnancy and always wearing baggy hoodies and making sure I keep my hands in the front pocket so as to conceal my front bulge. No ladies, I’m not happy to see you; that’s just my gut. Speaking of front bulges…

To my manhood: Have Mercy! If you didn’t notice, I mentioned the word “ball(s)” quite a bit in my previous post (32 times if you were keeping count). I think I was seriously compensating for this week. You see, this week, we celebrate D1’s 3rd birthday (time went by way too fast!) and the big thing we’re doing is taking her to Disney On Ice presents Princess Wishes. As if Disney on Ice weren’t emasculating enough – we’re going full-bore Old Testament eunuch-making with the Disney Princesses. But I love her so much – so I say meeh to losing my manhood. In fact, bring on the tea parties and playing with dolls, I say! More Belle! More Briar Rose! More Pink! More glitter!*

*Pop’s note: this is why I’m secretly hoping one of our future children will be boys – I figure Nerf guns and blowing stuff up will restore my manhood. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the blue pill. GO SCIENCE!

What about you? Do you know a Muffin (top) man in your life? What do you need forgiveness for as you begin this week?

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  1. February 7, 2011 at 3:42 pm

    I can only assume you’re a real man, and hence realize the necessity of wearing princess ball gowns to any Disney on Ice event.

    • Pop
      February 7, 2011 at 3:53 pm

      I’m still debating between the Belle gown and Jasmine – classic and International. Or should I stick to my roots and go with Mulan?

  2. February 7, 2011 at 4:48 pm

    My boobs. Ruby refuses to take a pacifier and INSISTS on having something in her mouth 24/7.

    Hey, you asked.

    • Pop
      February 8, 2011 at 11:21 am

      I just spent 2 minutes trying to come up with an adequate response…I got nothing. Well played. Well played.

  3. February 7, 2011 at 5:00 pm

    I don’t even know where to start, sigh. My would like to repeat your Have Mercy directed to your seams and waist as my fat pants are too small. And I’d add that you are an awesome dad for going to Disney on Ice!

    • Pop
      February 8, 2011 at 11:22 am

      Yup! You know it’s bad when your comfortable pants aren’t so comfortable anymore.

      I really hope Disney on Ice doesn’t become a Friday Flip Off 😛

  4. February 7, 2011 at 6:53 pm

    i’m a fan of the muffin top, to be honest.

    just not back fat.

    • Pop
      February 8, 2011 at 11:23 am

      I think as long as I don’t develop a front butt, my wife should be ok with my physical appearance. I think.

  5. February 7, 2011 at 7:31 pm

    How else does one wash a car in the winter? I think rain is mother nature’s way of saying sorry for all the shit I blow on your car when it’s windy and a bajillion degrees, but you have to wash your car in order to see.

    • Pop
      February 10, 2011 at 11:52 am

      It’s true. The snow yesterday cleaned my car really well. And then the tons of salt they laid on the roads for less than an inch of snow got all over my car. Well played, old man winter. Well played.

  6. kim
    February 7, 2011 at 9:46 pm

    Have mercy . . . GERMS. Really. I need a haz-mat suit over here. Please. 🙂 Oh, and if you have boys, yeah — the testosterone level is amazing. While it was just the girls we said we’d never have any sort of play guns — nerf etc. Even though my husband is a hunter. No dart guns, no nerf bullets. Now, 4 years later, my son sleeps with a nerf gun under his pillow.

    • Pop
      February 10, 2011 at 11:52 am

      Haha. That’s pretty cute.

  7. liz
    February 8, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    OK, I LOVE that you are keeping track of your use of the word “balls”. And I think you should have left “love handle maker” in without the strike-through. That’s a perfect phrase for this fast food crap we all eat.

    • Pop
      February 10, 2011 at 11:52 am

      We may as well call it like it is, right?

  8. February 9, 2011 at 8:57 pm

    You should probably wear a cup thats wired with some earphones and blast some AC/DC. Can’t have them balls retreating whilst Cinderella is screeching…you have to fool your balls into thinking youre somewhere very masculine. Your wife will thank me.

    • Pop
      February 10, 2011 at 12:00 pm

      Big Balls, Thunderstruck, or Shook Me All Night Long?

      Also, the image of me walking around with headphones around my junk amuses me.

  9. February 10, 2011 at 3:35 am

    Well, I for one, am glad I’m not the only one who leaves my drink on top of the car before driving off. D’oh!

    I’d also like to put in a motion that you change your tagline to read, “No ladies, I’m not happy to see you; that’s just my gut.” Priceless Pop material right there.

    • Pop
      February 10, 2011 at 12:01 pm

      I think I should leave it as my gmail status until the Spring.

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