Friday Flip-Offs, 11/19 Pop’s Edition

Another Friday and you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Sure I’ve got lots to be happy about, but little things have been annoying me as of late. Maybe I am getting more crotchety as I get older? Well, dear readers, whether you like it or not, here’s my crotch on full display.

To Thanksgiving: FLIP OFF! Really?! Thanksgiving is next week? Why does it seem like the holidays are sneaking up on me this year? And why am I already putting on holiday eating weight before any holiday dinners/parties? I guess I like to overachieve.

To gift cards: FLIP OFF! Does anyone else hate receiving gift cards? Maybe it’s because I’m the guy who either A) loses/forgets where he put his gift cards or B) waits for a sale that never happens or C) keeps them in his wallet and constantly forgets about using them even when he visits a particular retailer to use a particular gift card. Gift cards only require a little bit more thought than cash, e.g., “He’s a guy, so I’d better buy a Best Buy gift card and not an Ann Taylor gift card.” or “She’s a girl so I’m guessing she’d rather not get a gift card to Bass Pro Shops,” and yet, somehow they’re an acceptable gift. Worst of all are those AmEx or Visa gift cards – it’s basically like giving cash only you’re not and you usually have to pay an activation and/or maintenance fee on them. Visa advertises the cards by saying, “Give people the freedom to buy what they want.” So the people who give them usually think, “Wow. I am such a thoughtful friend. I’m giving my friend to freedom to go buy what he or she wants because it’s like cash. *pats self on back*.” You know what else is like cash? Cash.

This makes no sense to me. So if you ever want to give me a gift card, just give me cash. I promise I won’t be offended.

Also, I just realized this rant may result in me getting nothing but Ann Taylor gift cards for Christmas.

To parents at the mall who don’t understand the concept of a personal bubble: FLIP OFF! Sure, our kids are sharing germs in the play area but that doesn’t mean you gotta get all up in my bit. Here’s a diagram to help you understand.

I don't want to smell you

And you, overly friendly dad? We nearly touched junks. That’s never a cool thing.

By our junks combined, I am seriously grossed out

And you, dad who adopted Korean kids and wants to practice Korean? I get that you want to practice but maybe you should practice with people you know, not random people at the mall. And maybe you should learn more than just how to say hello.

Other Dad: ahn young hah seh YO!
Me: Uhhhhh, hello.
OD: Are you, Korean?
Me: *thinking: what gave it away? My big head or my small eyes? Or do I smell like garlic?* Yes, I am.
OD: That’s great [gives me his whole history on why he speaks Korean to random people who look remotely Korean]
Me: Ummmm, Ok. So is that all you say in Korean?
OD: Pretty much.

Thrilling discourse. Really. I should go to the mall more often to see 8 year old girls wearing short short skirts with their tall tall Uggs and enjoy more enlightening conversations. At least Sarku is always giving out free samples.

To parents who change their kids at the table at a restaurant: FLIP OFF! Yes, public restrooms can be disgusting and if there isn’t a changing table, your baby has to engage in diaper change aerobics, but for the love of all that is good and holy, PLEASE STOP CHANGING DIAPERS AT THE TABLE! I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve left some nasty diapers in some awfully tiny bathroom trashcans, but I’ve never subjected other diners to the nastiness that is a poopy diaper. Furthermore, it’s going to be very difficult for me to eat curry again, particularly dal, at an Indian restaurant.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?