Friday Flip-Offs, 10/29 Pop’s Edition
I cannot believe it’s already the end of October. Well, I started the month flipping stuff off, so you best believe I’m ending the month flipping stuff off. Let’s get to it!
To the DC area weather: FLIP OFF! Two weeks ago, it felt like fall: cooler temperatures, a nice breeze, leaves changing colors, and Punkin Ale in my hand(s) – remember, double fisting is classy. The past week, however, was hot and humid with a 90% chance of swamp crotch, giving way to swamp ass in the evening. On Wednesday, I actually had to turn the a/c on in the house. This morning? COLD! The high temperature today is expected to be 59°F with lows in the 30s!
And guess what happens when the temperatures fluctuate so much? Kids get sick. And you know what happens when kids get sick? Their parents get sick. And you know what happens when the parents get sick? They pass on their germs, which have now mutated and evolved, to their kids. And you know what happens when kids get infested with mutant germs? They pass their mutant germs, which have now grown a second ass, to their parents. This cycle repeats until you have a germ so big that you consider claiming it as a dependent on your tax return in the spring. Speaking of fall…
To fall yardwork: FLIP OFF! I love fall: the foliage, the pumpkin patches, apple cider, and all that. But then I looked at my backyard and remembered that I hate fall yardwork. Leaves are all over the place and all the trees and plants, which looked terrible and shriveled all summer, decided to be like a desperate, late-blooming teenager and finally have a growth spurt, will need to be pruned. And being a dad with two little girls with minimal motor skill development, guess who gets to do all the yardwork? Also, take a wild guess as to who will delay yardwork for as long as possible?
To politicians: FLIP OFF! You see, there’s this little thing called the National Do Not Call Registry, because people hate getting useless phone calls. No, I’m not interested in saving money on my long distance calls, or switching cable providers, or how your products could make me more beautiful – though, admittedly, that last one is intriguing. So I’m certainly not interested in getting phone calls from you every single day telling me how terrible your opponents are. It’s too bad the USPS doesn’t take a page out of gmail’s book and sort all of your crap into spam instead of my mailbox.
I’ve reached the point that I don’t care who wins; I just want this thing to be over. Just promise me that if you win, you’ll be as aggressive at serving your constituents as you were at pissing them off and soliciting ad nauseam for the better part of 2 months.
To Halloween costume makers: FLIP OFF! I think it’s ludicrous what Victoria’s Secret charges for lingerie (don’t get me wrong, especially you, wifey: I’m complaining about the prices, not the lingerie itself). The price/sq. ft for lingerie is exorbitant, especially when compared with grannies. I mean, you pay less for something that has enough fabric to pull over your head than you do for something that literally barely fills in a crack.
But costume makers are even worse: they charge exorbitant prices for something your kids will wear for one day! And don’t get me started on the hoochies-in-training costumes that are so prevalent.
To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I thought I flipped you off for the last time more than a month ago. But noooooooo! You’re still hanging around and you went down fighting. Christmas creep is all over the place as I’ve already seen Christmas displays at Target, Sam’s Club, and the Dollar Store, but you go ahead and decide to bring Christmas creep to my nose. Yup. You bit me square on the nose to the point where I looked like Rudolph the rednosed Korean. Well played, well played.
To daylight savings time: FLIP OFF! Yes you’re still a week away but I’m flipping you off in advance. I used to love the extra hour of sleep I got for ‘fall back,’ but I’m pretty sure D1 and D2 didn’t get the memo. So you’re dead to me for the foreseeable future.
*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?