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I’ve Learned My Lesson

September 1, 2010 Leave a comment Go to comments

I often do things that seem like a good idea at the time, but often, I end up regretting these actions. For instance, I find myself in an elevator all by myself and I have to release some gas. Since I have quite a few floors to go, I decide to let it go. Almost the exact moment I do, I hear a DING, the elevator stops and someone gets in. This has happened far more than I’d care to admit. Or eating at Fogo de Chao – all you can eat meat served on swords always seems like a good idea. Until you find yourself on the Metro with meat sweats and people are moving away from you like you’re a religious fanatic. Even with my firm understanding of buffetconomics, I do this far more often than I’d care to admit.

In those two examples, you might say, “Well, Pop. Those aren’t too bad. I could see how you would think those were a good idea at one point.” But being a guy, there’s a lot of dumb things I’ve done that I’d rather not admit to, let alone tell you that I thought it was a good idea at one point because like the hot blonde that unwittingly approaches and opens the door the killer is in, you’d be screaming at me not to do it. I won’t go into any specific examples, but let’s just say they all start with me saying, “What could possibly go wrong?”

I wish I could say becoming a dad has made me wiser – you could contend I’ve become dumber but I’ve certainly not grown wiser. I do however learn from my mistakes after repeating it 3 times, so for your enlightenment, here are some lessons I’ve learned as a dad.

D2 filled her diaper to capacity so I go to change her diaper. All pee and no poop means my wife gets stuck with the poopy diaper on her turn a remarkably easy diaper change. While I was letting her air out, she farts and it smells pretty bad. Like adult bad. So bad that for a second, I wonder if I let out a fart or if I’ve got a gas leak. Since I haven’t had Olestra recently, I figure it couldn’t be anal leakage. So I decide to lean in for a sniff just to make sure.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

As I lean in for a sniff…..SQUIRT! she poops. To borrow a term from basketball, IN YOUR FACE! Or my face in this case. Thankfully, it wasn’t too forceful, so only a few chunks got on my face. She’s only been alive for 8 weeks, and she’s already pooped on my bicep and now my face. Delightful.

The second example of a good idea gone wrong involves Madden. I was playing Madden and D1 somehow gets into what I once thought was my impenetrable man cave, i.e., she learned to open doors. So rather than turn it off–we’re one of those parents that don’t let their kids watch very much TV, if at all–I decide to educate her on football. I told her how it’s a game that a lot of people like. “Appa,” she asks, “Why are those men hitting each other?” “It’s football,” I tell her. I even use Instant Replay and zoom in on the linemen and show her the intricacies of line play. Later, she starts giggling with glee when the on-screen pixels collided with each other and she would shout, “CRASH!” She even asked, “Appa. When I get big, can I play football?” Not that there’s anything wrong with women’s football, but I’d prefer my daughter not be a 200lb lineman and I certainly would kill myself not like it if she played in the lingerie football league. In any event, I always imagined me sitting down on Sunday’s (well, I guess Thursday’s, Friday’s, and Saturday’s too) and watching football with my kids, so I was pretty happy she seemed to like football.

“What could possibly go wrong?”

D1 and I are playing one day and she runs at me full speed. As she gets really close, she lifts her hands like a lineman about to engage a defensive player and thrusts her hands up. Right. Into. My. Nads. And then shouts, “IT’S FOOTBALL APPA!” Maybe I should’ve started her off with flag football.

In the final example, I’m playing with D2. Not sure what it is about dads–or maybe it’s just me–but I play pretty rough with my daughters. For example, I like to hold D1 upside down, and I like to hold D2 up and pretend she’s flying. My wife just finished feeding D2, and I just burped her. I then lay down, grab her under her arms and begin lifting her up above my body – sort of like a bench press. My wife warns me, “She just ate. You might not want to do that.” “Oh come on,” I say, “I just burped her…”

“What could possibly go wrong?”

I think I got maybe 2 or 3 more presses in and then BURP followed by a WOOSH: the floodgates opened and spitup was coming right at my face. I managed to dodge some of it. I refuse to drink breastmilk* but now I ended up nearly drinking preprocessed breast milk.

So I’ve learned my lesson. I think.

What about you? What are some dumb things you’ve done lessons you’ve learned?

*Speaking of which, who decided it was a good idea to drink milk from a cow’s teats? Who saw milk coming from a cow and thought, “Oh man. I should totally bottle that and sell it.” And yet, somehow, I don’t mind drinking a tall, cool glass of milk, but the thought of a cool glass of breastmilk makes me nauseous.

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  1. September 1, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Ow. And ew. And ow.

    Lesson? Swearing in front of a two year-old-who won’t say ANYTHING back when you ask him to (Say “please!” Say “thank you!”) will turn him into the world’s best trained parrot and he will run up and down the house full of people yelling, “Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!” at the top of his little two-year-old lungs.

    Priceless. And did I mention that I’m a language specialist? Yeah. Go me.

    • Pop
      September 2, 2010 at 9:16 am

      LOL. I’m rather hesitant about teaching my daughter to read, which means she’ll be able to spell, which means my wife and I can no longer spell out words when we don’t want our daughter to understand.

  2. September 1, 2010 at 11:47 am

    That’s part of what we do as dads. I am often the bearer of good intention that go south. Do I learn not really because I tend to keep on trying. But, some of them do succeeded. I think I did a bad thing by introducing my daughter to the IPhone. Now, when ever she notices that I’m using it she wants to play “Rag Doll Blaster” or “Finger Physics”. She’s pretty damn good at both better than my wife. But, I feel as if by introducing her to video games it was a bad call.

    • Pop
      September 2, 2010 at 9:17 am

      D1 is very interested in my iPhone as well. She’ll ask if she can play with it and I tell her it’s only for big people. I wonder how long that excuse will work.

  3. September 1, 2010 at 1:36 pm

    Well, I’m not a language specialist, but I have tried to clean up my “special” language since having my son. I have been somewhat successful, but going from sailor/truckdriver to choirgirl has not been an easy transition. A

    couple weeks ago, our stupid but lovable loaf chihuahua yet again pooped on the floor. Hub & my response to such transgressions is pretty much always “stupid dog….” And we commence poop scooping.

    So, now a lot of things that frustrate my son are “stupid.”

    However, a couple weeks back, we go up the stairs, come face-to-pile with chihuahua poo & my disgruntled 4 1/2 year old mutters “F*ing dog.”

    ?!?

    *sigh*

    • Pop
      September 2, 2010 at 9:20 am

      It’s amazing how you can say a bunch of stuff and somehow, kids know which are the bad words and start repeating it at the top of their lungs. For example, we drove by a Nissan Cube and I said, “That car is ugly.” D1 then says, “Appa! You’re ugly!!! UGLY! UGLY!!!”

  4. September 1, 2010 at 3:32 pm

    I laughed throughout the entire post. Sorry, Pop…but I kind of hope there are future posts where D1’s response is: IT’s FOOTBALL!

    • Pop
      September 2, 2010 at 9:20 am

      I probably deserve that for the old people jokes. 😛

      • September 8, 2010 at 4:40 pm

        HAHA…you do :-p

  5. September 2, 2010 at 10:12 am

    Your lessons had me laughing and nodding. We don’t do sports here so no football injuries to worry about yet, but we have plenty of poop incidents (like bath tub stealth poops) and spit up that went straight into My Guy’s mouth because he decided to play with our daughter even after I warned him that she just ate, just as your wife did (when will you guys ever learn??!)

    I also learned to bring extra clothes for ME to change into when traveling with a baby because her poop blowouts tend to find my nicest cashmere sweater. Ugh. And the swearing thing will be my Achilles Heel. I have had too many encounters with my little parrot and you’d think I’d be better about it by now. But no……..

    • Pop
      September 3, 2010 at 9:17 am

      “when will you guys ever learn??!”

      I actually played the same way with D2 again yesterday. Thankfully, it didn’t result in a mouth full of regurged breastmilk.

  6. September 2, 2010 at 3:14 pm

    The football one cracked me up. Although I do hope that wasn’t a mistake you had to repeat 3 times.

    • Pop
      September 3, 2010 at 9:17 am

      No, no. One shot to the nuts is more than enough.

  7. September 2, 2010 at 4:52 pm

    Hi-larious Pop! My DH learned the ‘don’t lean in too close for a diaper change’ lesson the Day 1 of my first daughters life. He was trying to be SO careful and it earned him a face full of pee! One of my favorite birth memories! lol

    • Pop
      September 3, 2010 at 9:19 am

      Yup. I learned that lesson too – I figured, she’s a girl, she can’t project her pee like a boy can she? I think it was day 2 or 3. Can’t really remember since I tried to block it out.

  8. September 2, 2010 at 10:30 pm

    Oh, dude… putting your face anywhere near a newborn baby’s un-pampered rear is NEVER a good idea. That shit (literally) has some serious momentum behind it!

    • Pop
      September 7, 2010 at 1:06 pm

      I’m surprised the momentum doesn’t propel the diapers off.

  9. September 3, 2010 at 9:58 am

    OTFLMAO!

    Newborns are unpredictable. It is unwise to let them air out. They will get you everytime. I learned this with my first… and unfortunately, my second.

    • Pop
      September 7, 2010 at 1:07 pm

      That brief moment of letting them air out is scary. And I swear D2 is toying with me when I do.

  10. September 3, 2010 at 2:28 pm

    The fact that you’ve written an entire post about learning from your mistakes can only mean that you have…or will..in three or four more repeats!
    Such a hilarious post though, I’m glad you shared ’cause I LOVE LOVE LOVE laughing out loud!

    • Pop
      September 7, 2010 at 1:08 pm

      Sadly, the projectile spit up happened again. 😦

  11. September 4, 2010 at 11:23 am

    I almost died reading half of these. Germ-A-Phobes like myself do not enjoy imagining stories like these. BARF.

    But…I am glad you learned some things! This is good…but I am sad you had to learn them the way you did!

    • Pop
      September 7, 2010 at 1:11 pm

      They say the best way to learn is from your mistakes.

      So yeah, I learn a lot! 🙂

  12. September 10, 2010 at 9:02 am

    OMG – LOL…Too funny. I am glad that you learned your lesson! Hope to see D1 and D2 next time I am in town!

    • Pop
      September 16, 2010 at 10:01 am

      Definitely. Let me know when you’re in town next!

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