Home > Friday Flip-offs > Friday Flip-Offs, 8/27 Pop’s Edition

Friday Flip-Offs, 8/27 Pop’s Edition

This is my 3rd week joining in on Friday Flip-Offs (here’s the first and second in case you want to look back at my former flips). Gigi over at Kludgy Mom is having a rough week, what with an injury and too many balls in the air, but like the athletes we love, she played through the pain – and with only one glass of wine, no less! So stop by and give her a shout. Without further ado, here are Pop’s Flip-Offs.

To Annoying iPhone Guy: FLIP OFF! You happened to be behind me while we were waiting in line at the bank. I’m using my iPhone in peace and you start a conversation:

AiG: Hey. Is that the new iPhone?
Me: No.
AiG: Oh. Is it the 3GS?
Me: No.
AiG: Oh. So it’s a 3G. Cool. That’s the one I’ve got [you take yours out, unlock it, show it to me, and I instantly see what a douche interesting guy you are: you have a fart app on your homepage]
Me: Actually, I have a 2G.

My iFriend

You then look at me as if I’m from a lower caste or if you were a priest and I were a beaten down Samaritan left on the side of the road. Listen, buddy. Sure, your 3G is about twice as fast as my 170kbps download speed, but I like my iFriend, thank you very much! We go way back and in fact, we’ve gotten in trouble on multiple occasions. Sure, I’m eligible for an upgrade but I like the cost of my data plan ($25, 200 txt + unltd M2M) and when Apple upgrades the iSmallComputer iSometimesPhone iUsuallyDropCalls iPhone 4, I’ll probably upgrade then. So why don’t you FLIP-OFF and head to your frat or magic card party and wow and entertain all your friends with your hilarious fart app.

To Target: FLIP OFF! Listen. I like you. I really do. In fact, considering how much money and time my wife and I have spent on you, you could be thought of as our significant other. And I love the fact that you’ve added high priced groceries – you know how I feel about taking my kids out of the car multiple times, so I don’t need to contemplate breaking the law make a quick stop at the grocery store for something small. But please get your checkout system together!

I have this theory, which I call the Target Cluster Theorem: when you enter Target, no one will be in line checking out; when you are ready to check out, everyone else in the store decides to check out at the exact same time and the registers will become a cluster. The fact that you have those double lanes, of which only one is usually open, makes it hard to tell which line is the shortest. Complicating matters is the fact that people’s carts can be HUGE, e.g., one lady’s cart had windshield washer fluid, a lamp, a clock, canned beans, ice cream, some bras, other clothes, AND she ravaged the clearance bins like they were going out of style. And all I needed to buy were these lamps you had on sale. So needless to say, people can and do get pretty flustered and frustrated during check out.

And yet, despite the Target Cluster Theorem proving true when a hoard of customers approaches checkout, no manager ever calls extra employees to the front lines at that instant. In fact, when the cashiers see the hoard, they decide to flick off their lights and say, “You’re my last customer.” And somehow, said customer seems to always be the lady in front of me with the massive cart that makes you wonder what exactly she’s going to do with all that stuff. After the lines get backed up, people get annoyed and it’s clear 2 checkout lanes aren’t enough, we hear on the intercom, “Dear Target employees. We have a code Cluster. All available employees to the front.”

I love you, Target. But until you get your act together, FLIP OFF!

P.S. See you tonight. xoxo
P.P.S. Couldn’t you have made those giant red balls in the front of the store kickballs? That would’ve been so awesome!

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! When God said, “Be fruitful and multiply,” He was talking to Adam and Eve, not you! I know we’ve had lots of rain but you done multiplied and made tons of little mutant ninja mosquito babies – and they’re harder to kill and their bites are just as itchy. I hate you. I’m typically not a fan of capital punishment, but if you were to be executed, I’d have a front row seat and bring popcorn.

To my eyes: FLIP OFF! Well, that sounds kind of harsh. I mean, I don’t want to be blind. So flip off. I know I’m getting older but what’s with all these floaters in my eye! Turd floaters are annoying but they can be flushed; eye floaters are microscopic and you pretty much have to live with them forever. Great! Not only do I have unflushable turds in my eye, but they’re getting bigger everyday.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

  1. August 27, 2010 at 10:30 am

    Ahhh, it seems you have the same luck at Target that I do. Altho, I may or may not be that lady in front of you with 2 lamps, pullups, a bra, 4 dozen clearance items, 3 apples, and a pint of Old Harper.

    And the giant red balls? My son adores. Kickballs? Would be amazing. 🙂

    • Pop
      August 27, 2010 at 11:18 am

      Ah, it was you! I knew you looked familiar! 😛

  2. August 27, 2010 at 10:55 am

    Turd floaters…hahahahaha. And I so hear you on your love/hate tumultuous relationship with Target. Meeeee tooooo… I think my daughter first said “ball” when she saw the red balls outside Target and now every time we pass the giant of a store (which is every day) she says Hi Target, Bye Target! They are a marketing genius I tell ya. Evil, evil genius.

    And seriously, who talks about their iPhones anymore? I can’t wait to get rid of mine. This Goo-gal unfortunately as to wait for the end of her contract so she can move on to something that feels more her – an Android. I laughed at your jabs at iPhone 4. I knew there was a reason I liked you 🙂

    • Pop
      August 27, 2010 at 11:20 am

      Yeah, D1 adores the red balls and she actually tried to kick them once since we have a red kickball at home. Thankfully, she can’t kick that hard.

      And I too am considering an Android. I mean, Google already knows everything about me; may as well use their phone too.

  3. August 27, 2010 at 11:05 am

    LOL! Had to get that laugh out of the way first!
    I always want to kick the Target big red balls! That or leap-frog ’em.
    Sorry about the floaters in your eyes (but I did laugh).

    • Pop
      August 27, 2010 at 11:20 am

      They are rather large for leap frogging. Take it from me and my crotch. For serious.

  4. August 27, 2010 at 11:05 am

    I LOVE your flip-offs! I find myself looking forward to Fridays even more than usual! You know I love the word “turd” too, so was extra happy today.

    • Pop
      August 27, 2010 at 11:21 am

      How LD can possibly look forward to Fridays more is beyond me, but thank you! 🙂

  5. August 27, 2010 at 1:41 pm

    You have me paranoid about eye floaters now.

    I love Target, but I have to stay away because my budget won’t let me go in and get everything I see and love. It’s just depressing. But you’re absolutely right about the check-outs. 25 checkout lanes and only two open, both with lines snaking back to lingerie, which is really awkward when you have four sons.

    • Pop
      August 27, 2010 at 2:13 pm

      LOL! D1 always walks by the bras and says, “Appa! When I get bigger, are you going to buy me a bra?” “Yes, sweetheart,” I say, “along with this chastity belt.”

  6. August 27, 2010 at 3:42 pm

    Good ones!!! Flip offs are therapy and you’d better watch out flipping off those eyes of yours…they can read!

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:10 am

      So true. Should’ve probably thought about that. Thankfully, I can still see.

  7. August 27, 2010 at 6:00 pm

    Found ya on the hop great Flip Offs!

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:10 am

      Heading over to yours now. Thanks for stopping by!

  8. August 27, 2010 at 7:39 pm

    I just got my first i-minicomputerwithrudimentaryphonefunction, the latest version. I can use it to take a picture of itself and post it on your blog while I’m watching videos and listening to NPR. Wanna see?

  9. August 27, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    So, I’ve forgiven you for the nasty toe-sneaker-thingys… can you forgive that the first app I downloaded on my phone was the Whoopie Cushion? It’s just so… funny. Sorry. 🙂

  10. August 27, 2010 at 9:09 pm

    Oh, and I have a 3GS…

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:11 am

      LOL. Yes, I can forgive you. I downloaded it and have it on my phone too, just not on the homepage. And as long as you don’t look down on me–after all, you’ll see my nasty toe shoes–we’ll be good.

  11. August 27, 2010 at 10:11 pm

    Oh Pop you crack me up! I read all your rants to my Sweet Man & he couldn’t agree more. Except of course the part about at&t because that’s who he works for.
    Oh I think you have something on the Target Theorem. Soooo true!!! Good Flips!!

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:13 am

      Oh. Yeah, I’ve gotten my foot stuck in my foot several times talking about my iFriend unwittingly in front of AT&T employees. 😛

  12. KLZ
    August 30, 2010 at 2:38 pm

    Getting your kids out of the car is the worst. I loathe anywhere that doesn’t have a drive thru. Maybe Target will make itself a drive thru for me one day? Maybe soon? Please.

    PS Stop hooking up with Target, its mine.

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:14 am

      Hate to break it to ya, but Target and I, we’re sort of an item.

  13. August 30, 2010 at 4:37 pm

    Target was the second logo my oldest learned (the golden arches, of course, being the first). When we’re waiting in line for one of the two cashiers to become available and my kids are impatient and start throwing candy and little boxes of goldfish and crinkly bags of beef jerky on the floor, I leave it there. I like to think of it as my own little cluster of thanks …

    (Visiting from Justine’s. Nice to “meet” you!)

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:14 am

      haha! Gotta love how all Targets have the same items at checkout.

  14. August 30, 2010 at 10:42 pm

    Yep – the check out theory sir is correct. I always walk into Target and am like “score – there are five checkers just sitting waiting for me to check out!”

    Fast forward 10 short minutes, and each line is 5 shoppers deep – WTF?!

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:15 am

      Seriously. And after 10 short minutes, 3 of the 5 cashiers just went on break.

  15. TK
    August 30, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    I think Walmart has the exact same check out problem that Target has. Also I love your Flip Off Fridays. Don’t stop doing them anytime soon. They always make me laugh Pop. And I can always use a good laugh.

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:15 am

      Ugh. Don’t get me started on Walmart – checkouts there are even worse and the customers are even more irritable.

      Glad I could make you laugh, TK!

  16. Anon
    August 31, 2010 at 8:08 am

    These were great! Thanks!

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 8:15 am

      Thanks for stopping by.

  17. August 31, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Mutant ninja mosquitos? I have kamikaze ninja bats. Maybe I should send my kamikaze ninja bats over to deal with your mutant ninja mosquitos.

    It’d be epic. Of the godzilla vs. mothra sort of epic.

    Get your camcorder ready.

    • Pop
      August 31, 2010 at 2:24 pm

      You know how I feel about that word. Ugh! Must. Resist. Urge. To. Type. This….but that would be….epic…

      If they can take care of the MNMs, I’ll be forever grateful to KNBs.

  18. August 31, 2010 at 10:13 pm

    Target is my significant other, too! Or could be. Should be. But your Target experience is my Wal Mart experience…

  1. December 9, 2010 at 2:31 pm
  2. August 24, 2011 at 10:22 am
  3. March 28, 2013 at 1:22 pm

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