Home > Amusings, Parenting > A Letter to My Daughters: U Cant Haz Internetz

A Letter to My Daughters: U Cant Haz Internetz

Dear Daughters,

It’s been a while since I’ve prewritten, and while most of my previous letters were more for your edification, this letter outlines some things that I am warning you not to do, specifically concerning the internet. Failure to adhere to these guidelines will be a major offense, punishable by withholding of BBQ for a period of no less than one year.

Now, I’m sure you may think that I’m being a big, fat meanie. Big? Fat? Yes. Meanie? No. In fact, I’m just trying to protect you from the terror that can be the Internetz. And while you may not thank me now, when you don’t have to look back on your early Tweets or FB status updates and *shudder* you’ll be grateful. Remember, pooping in your pants can be cleaned up; pooping on the Internet is forever.

Pop’s Internet Rules #1: Do not surf the Web without some sort of Ad Block on. Daddy recently saw this webcomic a while back and I was terrified.

And we do not have a rich uncle in Nigeria. If we did, we’d already have a smoker the size of a minivan and a pet tiger.

Pop’s Internet Rules #2: Do NoT TyPee LiEk Dis OR LIKE THISSSS. It’s not as prominent anymore (Praise Jesus) but don’t you dare try to bring it back. And type in proper English while you’re at it. Also, proofread before you post. The occasional typo is unavoidable and excusable but refusing to learn the proper spelling for a word even though your browser is telling you the word is spelled wrong reduces both your IQ and the IQ of anyone who continues to read your posts.

Pop’s Internet Rules #3: Stop calling things epic. This is how I feel about the word ‘epic’ in its current usage

“DUDE! That YouTube vid was EPIC!” “OMG! My poop was EPIC!” “Yo, them chicken nuggets from Wendy’s was EPIC!”

So if you send me an email saying, “DAD! You have to watch this video. It’s EPIC!” and it’s an autotuned song, I will laugh. And then I will punish you.

Pop’s Internet Rules #4: Don’t read YouTube comments. Ever. Remember how the Apostle Paul says in the book of Philippians, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” YouTube comments are the exact opposite. Similarly, don’t venture too far out into the Twitterverse – some people should not have a platform where they can share their thoughts with others.

Pop’s Internet Rules #5: Remember your online identities: your name is Amanda Hugginkiss, your address is Van Down By the River and your phone number is 867-5309. When you start paying rent or have a mortgage, you can start giving out your real address and phone number.

Pop’s Internet Rules #6: Don’t you dare complain about how slow the Internet is. Otherwise, I will make this your ringtone:

And I will call you incessantly.

Pop’s Internet Rules #7: Don’t get into an argument online (see Rule #4). Just not worth your time.

Pop’s Internet Rules #8: Google a website before you visit it to make sure you don’t make a typo or go to the wrong site inadvertently. Daddy learned this the hard way some time ago when I wanted to purchase some Under Armour from Dick’s Sporting Goods and visited dicks dot com. *shudder*

Pop’s Internet Rules #9: Don’t spend too much time playing Web games. That’s Daddy’s job There are better ways for you to spend your time away from the computer so that Daddy can get on.

And finally,

Pop’s Internet Rules #10: Do some good on the Web. Leave a nice comment. Watch or read something that makes you smile, laugh, or inspires you. Learn something new. Connect and reconnect with people.

Love,
Pop

Disclaimer: this post was meant to be tongue-in-cheek mostly about things on the Web that bother me. Internet safety and kids is not a joke and the importance of parents monitoring their kid’s activity online cannot be understated.

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  1. August 5, 2010 at 10:03 am

    muahaha! I love this post! The word “epic” gets on my nerves too. I love that you added the clip from Princess Bride. now THAT is an EPIC movie.

    • Pop
      August 5, 2010 at 10:21 am

      YES! Anybody want a peanut?

  2. August 5, 2010 at 11:15 am

    You had me laughing at “U Cant Haz Internetz” – great post today….(as always)!

    • Pop
      August 5, 2010 at 4:29 pm

      Thanks, LD! Now I want a cheeseburger!

  3. August 5, 2010 at 11:26 am

    This is epic;-) My mouth was dropping at number 1 and laughing, on the outhside and gasping on the inside, the rest of the way through SO TRUE. Guess what I’ll be saying to my kids soon…U Cant Haz Internetz! lol!

    • Pop
      August 5, 2010 at 4:30 pm

      haha…yeah, when I saw that comic, I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry.

  4. August 5, 2010 at 11:36 am

    I love stumbling upon a blog I don’t know and smile after I read a post! That was a wonderful post – and great writing. I’ll be back 😀

    • Pop
      August 5, 2010 at 4:30 pm

      Thanks for stopping by!

  5. Fenny
    August 5, 2010 at 11:40 am

    Omg!!! This was the MOST EPIC blog post EVARZ!!! 😀

  6. Veronica
    August 5, 2010 at 5:49 pm

    Wheee! I see my friend Biz in a comment above! I bet she found you through me. That makes me happy. Anyway, thanks for the major LOLs here! I don’t see a lot of epic being thrown around, but maybe I’m just hanging out with people too old to fall prey to that. I’ve also heard that “amazing” is being over-used, but again not by my set. I feel you on everything here except the slow internet part. If you try to raise your daughters on dial-up internet, I will personally join them in picketing in your front lawn. 😉

    • Pop
      August 5, 2010 at 6:31 pm

      Yay!

      And as far as the slow Internet, I think ours is 3mbps down. My nephew came over and said, “This is sooooo sloooow!” as he’s used to 15mbps down. So that’s what I was referring to. In no way would I go back to dialup. Haha. Though the sound did make me nostalgic.

  7. August 6, 2010 at 8:32 am

    This post could be my daughter except you didn’t include, making a video using the iPhone and Bratz dolls having an orgy. THEN, posting it to Myspace, and YouTube. Ahhhh!!! There is nothing more frightening than Ken going to second base on a plastic boob!

    😀 Hilarious post! I ❤ it!

    • Pop
      August 6, 2010 at 9:14 am

      Duly noted. And horrified.

  8. August 6, 2010 at 9:11 am

    I fully concur with Rule #4. YouTube comments display humanity at its worst.

  9. mymommymonologues
    August 6, 2010 at 10:10 pm

    This was post was EIPC! haha just kidding….but it was really really hilarious!

    • Pop
      August 9, 2010 at 2:29 pm

      Oddly enough, I seem to notice the word EPIC around the Web even more after this post.

  10. August 7, 2010 at 12:45 pm

    Oh these are so great! I especially love #5. I’m going to steal your idea for my kids!

  11. August 12, 2010 at 11:16 pm

    Love the use of my favorite bogus number, and so happy that we met through Rule #10 :). xoxo, Twin

    • Pop
      August 13, 2010 at 7:42 am

      Me too!

      And does that song have any other lyrics? xoxo

  12. August 14, 2010 at 9:39 pm

    Yes someone with a sense of humor.

  13. August 23, 2010 at 6:39 am

    HAH! I may be a few days late but I enjoyed this post so much! I may need to steal, er, save this so I can have my Little Miss read it when she gets to the internet-hogging stage.

    Visiting from Kludgy Mom who spotlighted you on her blog. And, in the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger: “I’ll be back!” 😉

  1. August 6, 2010 at 8:59 am
  2. November 11, 2010 at 3:02 pm

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