My Toddler, the Hipster

D2′s taken a liking to “taking photos.” My wife and I both dabble in photography, so D2 has been imitating us with the toy camera we bought for her. Last week, I decided to have a little hipster fun and let D2 take a mirror self portrait – I’m sure you’ve seen them before, or maybe you were taking mirror self portraits before they became so mainstream. Here’s the result.

Self-portraits with real cameras are so mainstream

I love her asymmetrical pigtails.

This post is part of #iPPP (iPhone Photo Phun), where we link up photos taken from our smart phones. Any smart phone.

HALP! I Haz Blogstipation!

Bethany over at Organic Enchilada just chided me for not blogging in all of April. My initial response was much like the response I give my wife when she reprimands me for not doing something for a long time: “What??? How dare you! I’m pretty sure I did [whatever I am being reprimanded for].” So I open up my blog, blow off the dust  and sure enough my last post was on March 31. ^_^

It seems there’s quite a massive case of blogstipation going around. Whether it be lack of motivation, lack of clever ideas, or trying to find your bloggy self, it seems I’m many bloggers are struggling.  So what is it? Is the Internet hitting critical mass where there are so many content creators that it’s hard to come up with any new ideas? Or maybe we’ve been feeding ourselves too much pulled pork and not enough vegetables and we’re backed up like D1 was and can’t pass a massive turd of a post and need the help of someone to reach in and pull that post out of us. Well, Bethany, congratulations! You just grabbed the groundhog and pulled it out of my a…errrr, blog.

Being a responsible blogger, before writing a post related to constipation I decided to do some research and it led me to this Wikipedia page: the Bristol Stool Scale. It was developed by Dr. Ken Heaton, and it’s safe to say, he’s had a pretty crappy job. And his 7 types reminded me of this old, old page: The Different Types of Poop. Wow. I can’t believe I linked to an angelfire page on my blog. I feel like I should sign up for an AOL account and throw up some random gifs like Strong Bad’s website.

Anywho, I’m hoping to get on an Internetamucil program here shortly and should be more regular, but until then, what are some of your remedies for blogstipation?

Merciful Monday: 3.23.11

I know, I know – it’s Wednesday. But I need to begin my return to more-regular blogging with an appeal for mercy.

To my readers: Have Mercy! I know, I know. When we first got together, I gave you what you wanted regularly – sometimes, multiple times a day. Things were fresh, fun, and sometimes, a bit wild. Ah, youthful love. Next thing you know, I’ve got more subscribers to my RSS feed and blog, and followers on Twitter, and suddenly, it’s like we’ve been married for a very long time. Now, I don’t give it up as regularly, often citing how tired I am, or how busy I am at work, or how I’ve been getting headaches so often. And then last week, I didn’t give it up at all.

I won’t lie to you – I’ve been wondering. Wondering if your love for me has waned. Wondering if you’ve found a new, hotter piece of butt. Wondering if our relationship will ever return to what it was. And I’m sure you don’t want to hear any excuses, but like any guy in the midst of an argument with a significant other I’ll keep talking and digging a deeper hole for myself offer the following reasoning: it’s not you; it’s me.

A lots been going on (trying to sell/buy a home, planning a family missions trip to Thailand, work has actually been busy, kids have been sick, etc…) and while I still find you irresistible and want you, I just haven’t been able to give you what you want as of late.

But all that’s going to change. I’m going to give it up (more) regularly and maybe even learn a few new tricks. RAWR.

What about you? Has 2011 been crazy busy?

Merciful Monday: 2.7.11

It’s been a while since my last Merciful Monday post. Rest assured that isn’t because I haven’t done stupid things. For those new to the blog, Merciful Monday’s are for me to apologize for stupid things that I’ve done in order to start the week off with a clean slate (not to mention using my sweet, MS Paint-made logo – I consider any chance I can use Uncle Jesse’s hair to be a good thing).

To my car: Have Mercy! You’re now two years old and it shows in the way I treat you. Did I drive off again after leaving a drink on top? Yes. Did I bother to take you to a car wash to get the love handle maker high fructose corn syrup corn sugar off of you? No. Did a flock of birds decide to take a collective dump while they were flying over you? Yes. Did I bother to get you washed? No. I just waited until it rained. Is there a slightly unpleasant odor emitting from under D1′s carseat? Yes. Am I utterly horrified and completely unwilling to clean out whatever is under there? Absolutely.

But rest assured that my apparent lack of care towards you does not accurately reflect the way I feel about you. Now that you’re reassured of my love for you, I hope you keep chugging along and make it to at least 200,000 miles.

To the seams of my pants: Have Mercy! Lately, you guys have been turning from innies to outies due to my misguided attempts at hibernation this winter. Please, please, please don’t split on me at the worst possible moment. Especially you, crotch seam. And in a similar vein…

To my waist: Have Mercy! Lately, when I go to shower, I find that my baggy skorts boxer briefs have left an imprint on my waist. In fact, if the Hanes were sewn on the inside, I’m positive that I’d be branded by now. And my gut and muffin top? Let’s just say that I may or may not be acting like a teen girl with an unwanted pregnancy and always wearing baggy hoodies and making sure I keep my hands in the front pocket so as to conceal my front bulge. No ladies, I’m not happy to see you; that’s just my gut. Speaking of front bulges…

To my manhood: Have Mercy! If you didn’t notice, I mentioned the word “ball(s)” quite a bit in my previous post (32 times if you were keeping count). I think I was seriously compensating for this week. You see, this week, we celebrate D1′s 3rd birthday (time went by way too fast!) and the big thing we’re doing is taking her to Disney On Ice presents Princess Wishes. As if Disney on Ice weren’t emasculating enough – we’re going full-bore Old Testament eunuch-making with the Disney Princesses. But I love her so much – so I say meeh to losing my manhood. In fact, bring on the tea parties and playing with dolls, I say! More Belle! More Briar Rose! More Pink! More glitter!*

*Pop’s note: this is why I’m secretly hoping one of our future children will be boys – I figure Nerf guns and blowing stuff up will restore my manhood. And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the blue pill. GO SCIENCE!

What about you? Do you know a Muffin (top) man in your life? What do you need forgiveness for as you begin this week?

Merciful Monday: 1.10.11

Huh. My last Merciful Monday post was on 10.11.10 and today is 1.10.11. I’m sure there’s a binary joke I could make in there somewhere but I don’t want 10. Sheesh. First post of this new year and I’ve already made a lame joke AND it was geeky to boot. I call this a win.

Anywho, I figured I’d start the year off by apologizing to my wife and amusing my readers. So here goes:

To my then-girlfriend: Have Mercy! Forget what De Beers tells you: a diamond isn’t forever; a woman’s memory is. Especially when it comes to their love interests.

It was 2002 and we had been dating for a few months. I saw an article in The Washington Post touting Citronelle’s lobster burgers. For those that are unfamiliar with the DC area, Citronlle is a well-reviewed, hoighty-toighty restaurant in Georgetown. Being poor college kids at the time, there’s no way we could’ve afforded a regular dinner there, but the lobster burger was supposed to be amazing and only $10! This served several purposes for me: 1) I get to say I took my gf out to Citronlle, 2) she gets to tell her friends that her bf took her to Citronelle, thereby me receiving the simultaneous admiration of her friends and the ire of their respective bfs, and 3) I only take a $30 hit to do so.

Even back in college, we cleaned up nicely. She looked exceptionally gorgeous that night. We got into my ’92 Corolla and we valet parked it, since it was the only option available at the restaurant. To say that was the crappiest car the valets parked that day would be like saying Christina Hendricks has big boobs: a huge (har har) understatement.

I confidently walked up to the hostess and said, “Pop – reservation for 2 at 7pm.” “Right this way, sir, ” she replied. She took us to our table and aside from Pearle Vision, I’ve never seen so many glasses in my life. Seriously. How plastered do people get at these pricey joints?!

The server comes to our table and asks us if we’d like anything to drink. “Just water, please,” I replied. “Still or (something) water?”, he asked. After a recent fine dining SNAFU in which we paid $10 for a bottle of carbonated water, I asked, “Which one is free?” At this point, I’m sure this song is going through your head (not really). After confirming our order of free water, the waiter took away ALL the glasses (cue sad trombone).

We then looked over the menus to find the lobster burgers and to our surprise, we couldn’t find them anywhere. We asked another server (apparently, the first server was just the drink guy) if they no longer serve the lobster burgers, and she told us that they are only served in the bar area. Whoops. Taking it all in stride, I told my gf that we could splurge, after all, I am a smooth operator or maybe even the most interesting man in the room. We settled on the $75/person 3-course dinners.

The other thing to note about the dinner was that there was a dedicated server who came out and cleaned off the breadcrumbs. Being a college kid, I was always impressed if I walked into a bar and it didn’t smell like urine, so you can imagine how impressed I was by the bread cleaner dude.

Anywho, the dinner was great and we had an awesome conversation.

The check comes and I briefly calculate how many books I’d have to sell back at the end of the semester to pay off the charge. I get my wallet out and HORROR!

WHERE.

IS.

MY.

CREDIT CARD?!?!?!?!

And no, this wasn’t one of those cases when you’re hanging out with your friends and you’re faking like you forgot your wallet and ask for a spot.

I look coyly over at my gf and ask, “So uhhh…how good are you at washing dishes? Because we may have to wash a LOT tonight.”

Thankfully, she had her credit card and she picked up the check. The most interesting man in the room suddenly became the most single man in the room.

Actually, for some reason, my gf was able to look beyond this dating SNAFU, and today, we have two beautiful daughters.

Anywho, we walked out to get our car and YUP! You guessed it. I forgot cash for tipping the valet. Thankfully, she had cash. Otherwise, I would’ve had to scrounge up all the change from my ashtray.

And understandably, my wife hasn’t forgotten this. Even today, whenever we go out on a nice date, I’ll say, “Don’t worry – I have my credit card.”

To my readers: Have Mercy! I thoroughly enjoyed my hiblognation and am grateful for those that are still around. Here’s to another year of bl0gging (with plenty of food porn)!!!

So what about you? Do you have any dating SNAFU stories? What do you need to apologize for as you begin this new year?

Wordless Wednesday: Juicy Couture’s Got Nothing on These Thighs

This is what off-the-chart thighs look like

Who doesn't love baby feet?

Friday Flip-Offs, 11/19 Pop’s Edition

Another Friday and you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Sure I’ve got lots to be happy about, but little things have been annoying me as of late. Maybe I am getting more crotchety as I get older? Well, dear readers, whether you like it or not, here’s my crotch on full display.

To Thanksgiving: FLIP OFF! Really?! Thanksgiving is next week? Why does it seem like the holidays are sneaking up on me this year? And why am I already putting on holiday eating weight before any holiday dinners/parties? I guess I like to overachieve.

To gift cards: FLIP OFF! Does anyone else hate receiving gift cards? Maybe it’s because I’m the guy who either A) loses/forgets where he put his gift cards or B) waits for a sale that never happens or C) keeps them in his wallet and constantly forgets about using them even when he visits a particular retailer to use a particular gift card. Gift cards only require a little bit more thought than cash, e.g., “He’s a guy, so I’d better buy a Best Buy gift card and not an Ann Taylor gift card.” or “She’s a girl so I’m guessing she’d rather not get a gift card to Bass Pro Shops,” and yet, somehow they’re an acceptable gift. Worst of all are those AmEx or Visa gift cards – it’s basically like giving cash only you’re not and you usually have to pay an activation and/or maintenance fee on them. Visa advertises the cards by saying, “Give people the freedom to buy what they want.” So the people who give them usually think, “Wow. I am such a thoughtful friend. I’m giving my friend to freedom to go buy what he or she wants because it’s like cash. *pats self on back*.” You know what else is like cash? Cash.

This makes no sense to me. So if you ever want to give me a gift card, just give me cash. I promise I won’t be offended.

Also, I just realized this rant may result in me getting nothing but Ann Taylor gift cards for Christmas.

To parents at the mall who don’t understand the concept of a personal bubble: FLIP OFF! Sure, our kids are sharing germs in the play area but that doesn’t mean you gotta get all up in my bit. Here’s a diagram to help you understand.

I don't want to smell you

And you, overly friendly dad? We nearly touched junks. That’s never a cool thing.

By our junks combined, I am seriously grossed out

And you, dad who adopted Korean kids and wants to practice Korean? I get that you want to practice but maybe you should practice with people you know, not random people at the mall. And maybe you should learn more than just how to say hello.

Other Dad: ahn young hah seh YO!
Me: Uhhhhh, hello.
OD: Are you, Korean?
Me: *thinking: what gave it away? My big head or my small eyes? Or do I smell like garlic?* Yes, I am.
OD: That’s great [gives me his whole history on why he speaks Korean to random people who look remotely Korean]
Me: Ummmm, Ok. So is that all you say in Korean?
OD: Pretty much.

Thrilling discourse. Really. I should go to the mall more often to see 8 year old girls wearing short short skirts with their tall tall Uggs and enjoy more enlightening conversations. At least Sarku is always giving out free samples.

To parents who change their kids at the table at a restaurant: FLIP OFF! Yes, public restrooms can be disgusting and if there isn’t a changing table, your baby has to engage in diaper change aerobics, but for the love of all that is good and holy, PLEASE STOP CHANGING DIAPERS AT THE TABLE! I’ll be the first to admit, I’ve left some nasty diapers in some awfully tiny bathroom trashcans, but I’ve never subjected other diners to the nastiness that is a poopy diaper. Furthermore, it’s going to be very difficult for me to eat curry again, particularly dal, at an Indian restaurant.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 11/7 Pop’s Edition

Lots going on in Pop’s home these days. D2′s teeth are starting to come in and she’s trying to roll over, which is initially exciting, but then you realize it’s no fun b/c she won’t be where you left her when you get back. D1′s nowhere near puberty (actually, she may not be that far off) but she’s already having massive mood swings. My wife and I are contemplating our future with buying/selling a home and contemplating homeschooling, and while exciting, it’s a lot to think and pray about. So you best believe I’ve got stuff to flip off. Let’s get to it.

To certain cops: FLIP OFF! I appreciate cops and all that they do but some cops need to be flipped off. Three times this week, I was stuck in heavy traffic. I then hear a siren from the distance and figure, “Ah, crap. It’s an accident.” So of course, the traffic jam gets worse as all the cars move out of the way so the cop can get through to the scene of the accident to perform their duties. Only thing is, there is no accident, and once the cop is past the traffic, the sirens turn off. *resisting the urge to make a doughnut joke*

To puberty: FLIP OFF! Seriously?! Girls are starting puberty at 7 or 8? 7 or 8 is when The Fresh Prince of Bel Air should pull up to the house; not when I need to deal with 24 cases of PMS per year. Also, I just realized that in about 10 years  I will have 3 ladies PMSing at the same time in my home (women do cycle up, right?). Maybe I should look into a bomb shelter as an added feature for our next home?

To getting older: FLIP OFF! I’m still pretty young (emphasis on the pretty, oh so pretty) but I’m exhibiting signs of getting older.

1. My calf cramped up while I was stretching before I got out of bed in the morning
2. My metabolism is nowhere near what it used to be. Congratulations, Wifey! My love handles are here to stay!
3. When I get together with friends, we talk about riveting things like mortgages and home improvements
4. Tired is not how I feel; it’s who I am
5. I most look forward to weekends where nothing is planned

But I can still hear up to 18kHz on the hearing test (though it isn’t as piercing as it used to be) and I’m not graying, so I guess I’m ok.

To Mike Shanahan: FLIP OFF! Seriously? Rex Grossman gives us the best chance to win?! Who’d you ask for that advice? Steve Spurrier?! And poor conditioning for 2 minutes? Aside from the first time, most men have enough stamina to last two minutes.

To location-based services: FLIP OFF! Maybe this ties in with me getting older, but I’m not a fan of Four Square, Facebook Places and other location-based services. Now a lot of businesses are beginning to offer deals exclusively through those services. That’s all well and good for those who don’t mind giving up certain aspects of their privacy for a free burrito, but I hope this doesn’t mean the end of printing out coupons that were meant for people signed up for an email club that I can mass-print through SlickDeals.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

Friday Flip-Offs, 10/29 Pop’s Edition

I cannot believe it’s already the end of October. Well, I started the month flipping stuff off, so you best believe I’m ending the month flipping stuff off. Let’s get to it!

To the DC area weather: FLIP OFF! Two weeks ago, it felt like fall: cooler temperatures, a nice breeze, leaves changing colors, and Punkin Ale in my hand(s) – remember, double fisting is classy. The past week, however, was hot and humid with a 90% chance of swamp crotch, giving way to swamp ass in the evening. On Wednesday, I actually had to turn the a/c on in the house. This morning? COLD! The high temperature today is expected to be 59°F with lows in the 30s!

And guess what happens when the temperatures fluctuate so much? Kids get sick. And you know what happens when kids get sick? Their parents get sick. And you know what happens when the parents get sick? They pass on their germs, which have now mutated and evolved, to their kids. And you know what happens when kids get infested with mutant germs? They pass their mutant germs, which have now grown a second ass, to their parents. This cycle repeats until you have a germ so big that you consider claiming it as a dependent on your tax return in the spring. Speaking of fall…

To fall yardwork: FLIP OFF! I love fall: the foliage, the pumpkin patches, apple cider, and all that. But then I looked at my backyard and remembered that I hate fall yardwork. Leaves are all over the place and all the trees and plants, which looked terrible and shriveled all summer,  decided to be like a desperate, late-blooming teenager and finally have a growth spurt, will need to be pruned. And being a dad with two little girls with minimal motor skill development, guess who gets to do all the yardwork? Also, take a wild guess as to who will delay yardwork for as long as possible?

To politicians: FLIP OFF! You see, there’s this little thing called the National Do Not Call Registry, because people hate getting useless phone calls. No, I’m not interested in saving money on my long distance calls, or switching cable providers, or how your products could make me more beautiful – though, admittedly, that last one is intriguing. So I’m certainly not interested in getting phone calls from you every single day telling me how terrible your opponents are. It’s too bad the USPS doesn’t take a page out of gmail’s book and sort all of your crap into spam instead of my mailbox.

I’ve reached the point that I don’t care who wins; I just want this thing to be over. Just promise me that if you win, you’ll be as aggressive at serving your constituents as you were at pissing them off and soliciting ad nauseam for the better part of 2 months.

To Halloween costume makers: FLIP OFF! I think it’s ludicrous what Victoria’s Secret charges for lingerie (don’t get me wrong, especially you, wifey: I’m complaining about the prices, not the lingerie itself). The price/sq. ft for lingerie is exorbitant, especially when compared with grannies. I mean, you pay less for something that has enough fabric to pull over your head than you do for something that literally barely fills in a crack.

But costume makers are even worse: they charge exorbitant prices for something your kids will wear for one day! And don’t get me started on the hoochies-in-training costumes that are so prevalent.

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I thought I flipped you off for the last time more than a month ago. But noooooooo! You’re still hanging around and you went down fighting. Christmas creep is all over the place as I’ve already seen Christmas displays at Target, Sam’s Club, and the Dollar Store, but you go ahead and decide to bring Christmas creep to my nose. Yup. You bit me square on the nose to the point where I looked like Rudolph the rednosed Korean. Well played, well played.

To daylight savings time: FLIP OFF! Yes you’re still a week away but I’m flipping you off in advance. I used to love the extra hour of sleep I got for ‘fall back,’ but I’m pretty sure D1 and D2 didn’t get the memo. So you’re dead to me for the foreseeable future.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?

The Reveal Post

Like any good reveal show, I won’t get to the answer right away and instead bore you with random details and recaps you couldn’t care less about.

Food poisoning

The silver lining with having food poisoning twice in the span of 6 days? I lost 5lbs and eating is like a new experience every time. But being a SAHD, trying to potty train a toddler when I myself can barely control my bowels? That’s the brown lining.

That is not nice!

So I wrote before how D1 doesn’t seem to understand some of the things we say. And then I get the sneaking suspicion that she’s a genius that’s just playing us. When D1 is being bad, we usually say, “D1! That is NOT nice!” with extra emphasis on the not. Last night, my wife was giving her a bath and she absolutely hates washing her hair. So as my wife was trying to wet her hair, she begins to shout, “Mommy! That is NOT nice!” Toddlers are freaking hilarious. Manipulative and conniving, but hilarious.

So who saw right through me?

They say truth is stranger than fiction and my life is very, very strange indeed. So each of the 6 things are at least 80% true and one of them is 100% true. I’m terrible at lying and even worse at making stuff up completely. And besides, Momma Kiss did the same thing:

“Is it kinda cheating? Maybe. Sue me, I couldn’t come up with total nutjob stories. Yah, even Me!”

1) All of this was true except “So I went to bed at 7pm and didn’t wake up until this morning. Save for a couple of trips to the bathroom.” I actually went to bed at 6pm. Yes. You read right. 6pm and slept for 12, mostly uninterrupted hours. Like I said, my wife is a saint.

2) I was a rising 3rd grader, not 4th, and I ended up weighing 125, not 120. A 125lb 3rd grader, and my Tae Kwon Do belt was holding on for dear life.

3) I actually gained closer to 40lbs and my vision prescription was closer to quadrupling. I not only love my wife; I need her.

4) Thankfully, I never did these myself but other worship leaders have – yes, even the crapping in the pants and finishing out a set. The worst I’ve done is forget the opening lyrics to a song and having the band play a 30 second intro for close to 2 minutes.

5) This really happened and Bethany will be happy to know that I prayed over my poop-infested phone and then pressed against my ear for every call I made for 2 months. But remember, I did run it under water for a while. I guess I’m not like Jerry Seinfeld who couldn’t even kiss his gf after knocking her toothbrush in the toilet.

The 20% of this one that is a lie? I still use my iFriend while on the can. Every day. But now, when I’m done, I place it on the floor, as far away from the toilet as I possibly can.

6) DING DING! This one is 100% true. So Perpetually Peeved and Shell were the ones who guessed correctly. And to this day, girls only scream at me when they’re mad.

So there you go dear Readers. You now know more about me, specifically that I am a worship leader who has a saint for a wife who is always thisclose to becoming morbidly obese who once dreamed of becoming a KPop idol but will settle for his wife and kids adoring him.