Lies, ALL LIES! (Well, mostly)

I usually hate being tagged in things, e.g., the current viral status thing going on in Facebook land, which I call, Like This and I Will Fill Up Your Wall and All Your Friend’s Timelines with 8 Facts That May Make You Think I Know You Thereby Justifying Your Existence, or simply, the bastard love-child of 25 Facts About Me, a.k.a., “somebody please read this!!! I’m special dangnabbit!”

I originally planned to post pictures from the BBQ this past weekend but didn’t get a chance to download and upload them, so this will have to do. You can thank Bethany over at Organic Enchilada for tagging me, and Poppy for tagging her, and Lori for tagging her. And besides, how could I pass up the opportunity to title this post after one of my favorite clips from Austin Powers?

So what’s the deal? The following are five lies and one truth.  Your job is to pick out the one that is 100% truth and leave your answer in the comments section.  Let’s see who thinks they know me.

1) I didn’t get a chance to upload pictures from the weekend’s BBQ because I was pooped. Literally. I went to an Indian buffet on Friday, which I normally love but afterward, I felt worse than I usually feel after an AYCE. The next morning, I was cleaning the toilets, which serves two purposes: 1) it ensures guests are not disgusted and 2) it ensures the toilets don’t get clogged by the carnivores and their boulder-like dumps. While cleaning, I had to fart. Except, like a Transformer, there was more than meets the eye. That’s right:

From that point on, I had to visit the bathroom no less than 13 times that day. Let’s just say by the 13th time, I really wish we hadn’t bought the toilet paper that was slightly rougher and $0.012342 cheaper than the brand name one.

The next day, my gas was still undergoing condensation (I think that’s the right term. Science nerds?) so I had to hold in any and all farts. All of this was very exhausting. Not to mention, I was hungry. I wanted to eat but eating meant I’d have to poop, which meant I’d have to wipe, which hurt (I may or may not have had to use a diaper wipe at some point this weekend).

So I went to bed at 7pm and didn’t wake up until this morning. Save for a couple trips to the bathroom.

Also, my wife is a saint.

2) My parents dumped sent me and my sister to Korea to get rid of us for the summer let us experience the rich culture of our homeland for the summer when I was a rising 4th grader. Sadly, my wife and I won’t be able to dump our kids in a similar fashion as sending kids on planes by themselves under the care of the stewardess flight attendant is pretty much a no-no now. When I went, I was 90lbs. When we returned in 2 months, I weighed 120lbs (Yup. I gained 30lbs) and when I went up to my mom at the gate, it went like this:

Me: HI MOM! We’re back!
Mom: *puzzled look*
Me: Mom. It’s me! Your son.
Mom: *trying to hide shock/disgust but clearly looking disturbed*

A week or so later, we had to take pics at Tae Kwon Do and since my belt status didn’t change, I had to wear my old green belt. Except my girth caused it to look like a bow tie.

3) When my wife (then gf) studied abroad for a semester I gained 30lbs and my vision prescription tripled. I told her she was never allowed to go away for so long again because I’d become morbidly obese and blind. Mercifully, she didn’t dump me at the airport. Like I said, she’s a saint.

4) I was leading worship once and I said, “Bring your breast to God.” Another time, I sharted but I made it through the entire set. Then I calmly waddled my way to the bathroom. Somehow, I still have my gig as a worship leader.

5) I once dropped my iFriend in the toilet. While pooping. I was reading something and after I was done, I put the phone in my pocket. Or so I thought. As I got up to flush, the phone fell out of my pocket into the toilet full of poop just as I depressed the toilet handle. The phone was obviously too large to get through the hole, so it sat there as water was gushing over it. Without even thinking about the turds the were likely on the phone and in the grooves of my silicone case, I reached in and grabbed my phone. Flustered, I decided to run the phone under the sink to get all the poop particles off. Yeah, that’s pretty much shortbus material right there. The phone flickered a couple of times and then powered off.

I then fell to my knees and prayed, “God. I know I probably shouldn’t be praying about this, but please, please make my phone work again.” Worst part was, a bunch of my friends chipped in to get me the phone for my birthday and the iPhone was much pricier back then ($300).

The next day, the phone worked. Without any glitches! I used the phone for about 2 months and then experienced an unrelated software issue with the device and had the phone replaced for free under warranty.

I never used my iPhone while on the can ever again.

6) When I was in high school, I dreamed of being a break dancer and KPop idol.

Alas, my dreams of poor lip syncing with teen girls screaming were dashed when I realized I couldn’t A) sing, B) break dance , or C) have girls screaming at me unless they were angry.

So which one is 100% true?

And I tag my Twitter BFFs: Mommy of a Monster and Kludgy Mom.