Friday Flip-Offs, 9/17 Pop’s Edition
With the vacation, a short work week, and the gorgeous weather, I’d have to say it was a great week. But that doesn’t mean nothing riled up my anger or any problems arose. So for today’s blog post, I’m doing like Devo: when a problem comes along, you must flip it! WOOPAH! Flip it good!
Once again, thanks to Momma Kiss who is filling in for Gigi, who is busy jotting down who needs detention for Back to School Back to Blogging next week (me). On to the flips!
To that mom at Target: FLIP OFF! Yes, D2 is huge now (15.5lbs, 24.5″ at her checkup) and her thighs are especially chunky so she barely fits size 1-2 diapers (up to 15lbs), but my wife recently found a stash of size 1 diapers (8-14lbs) that we never used. Being the cheap person I am, I couldn’t bring myself to toss them so I decided to use them. For you ladies, imagine squeezing into a pair of jeans that fit you perfectly before you had kids. The seams would be crying for mercy, no? For you guys, imagine squeezing into an Under Armour top. It’s tight to begin with:
Now imagine if you bought a size too small. You’d look like a walking sausage right? That’s what D2 looked like when I squeezed her into her size 1 diapers.
So back to you, lady at Target. I was too lazy to rebutton D2’s onesie after a diaper change so her tight diaper is clearly visible – and yes, that tiny velcro flap thing is holding on for dear life – you walk by and say, “Her diaper’s a little tight you know.” Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious. Now flip off and let me be a cheap dad in peace.
To my weight: FLIP OFF! It’s either you or the scale at my house is a random number generator. I eat healthy and exercise for a week and I lose 1lb (2-3lbs if I take off my clothes. Reminder to self: if weighing self naked, lock the door. Reminder to self 2: continue to pray the image of your hairy butt cheeks be erased from D1’s memory). I eat like a pig on vacation and only gain 1lb. Then I eat healthy and inexplicably gain 4lbs?!?!
To Redskins Fans: FLIP OFF! Monday mornings during football season in DC are so full of hyperbole. Yes, we won. And yes, it was the Cowboys but calm the flip down! We only had 250 yards of total offense (380 for the Cowboys), we were 0-2 in the redzone and we didn’t score an offensive touchdown.
To the Corn Refiners Association: FLIP OFF! You applied for permission to use the name “corn sugar” in place of high fructose corn syrup on food labels. Like Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and sugar by any other name would make you just as fat. The name is not the issue but thanks for the distraction.
To men who cannot properly use a urinal: FLIP OFF! Sure, splashback is both a problem and embarrassing, but that doesn’t mean you should stand 3 feet away from the urinal and pee all over the floor! The last few public restrooms I used, I had to straddle Lake Urine while I peed. Not cute. Learn to 1) aim and 2) the proper angle in order to prevent splashback.
And if you’re too shy to use the urinal and pee in the stalls instead, make sure your aim is true.
To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I seriously hope this will be my last flip off for you in 2010. Please die. Thanks.
*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?
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Korean Fried Chicken (12.8.10)
Why, Yes! You MAY grab my button
Go, Pop, Go! 
I think I met the same Target lady. I had my huge baby in a Bjorn bc I had to make an emergency solo run with both kids. Never mind my back, Lady!
I too have a random scale generator. Yes, please remember to close & lock door properly prior to the naked weigh in. Make sure you exhale prior to stepping on scale. You wouldn’t want the extra micro ounce of air in your lungs counted.
Those ladies get on my nerves.
Good tip on the exhaling. I never thought of that. And maybe I have big lungs that can hold a pound of air.
Or three 🙂
Can’t believe D1 saw your butt cheeks. How traumatic…
Flip off to reading the poptarts wrapper after you’ve just devoured them. Corn sugar AND high fructose corn sugar as two of the three main ingredients?? Ouch. I guess I’ll console myself with the fact that it contains 10% fruit… so that’s what?-10g?? I just had 3/4 of a strawberry! Sweet!!
You might try spitting and blowing your nose before weighing in too. Every little bit helps. 😉
Ok lake urinal? Were there Johnny Cake islands? Gross. We totally used every dipe we bought. Too big, too small, those bastards are expensive! That lady gates a flip in the face from me. Scales. I hate mine. But my jeans, they fit me good right now. Real good.
Oh and. How many detentions are you up to?
Johnny Cake islands! LOL!
Heck yes! I’ll use a size 1 as a diaper thong on D1 if I need to.
None yet. But I’m sure the hammer is coming! So far behind on week 1!
I love the flip-offs and just wait in anticipation!
Flip-off to the ladies in my building that insist on using my floor’s bathroom…we are the only tenant on this floor…give me some peace! Uck! Poop on your own floor and flip-off!
Flip-off to Bad Boss who swore he’d be in really early today so I was sure to get here early too. Is he here yet at 11:00 a.m. No! Flip-off Bad Boss!
I hate when people do that. Especially when they poop in your favorite stall.
Before noon is early for him, no?
Your flips always crack me up!!
🙂
I was bit 8 times this morning walking the dogs to pee for two minutes and I killed five before the bite. Ouch!! Go away Mosquitos. I don’t like itching to start my day. Lol.
Seriously. One day, I picked D1 up and noticed dried blood all over her hands. She itched the crap out of her bites. 😦
Ew. I hate Lake Urine. It seems that wherever I try to go (home, work, public restrooms)? I find seats covered in pee. Sometimes if I’m super lucky & my stepdaughter has immediately preceded me in the bathroom? Poo smears. Sigh. She’s 5 & kinda has an excuse. My coworkers? Should have learned the mechanics by now. Plus? Women sit down. Not hard to aim at that point.
LOL! I would hope if they’re in the workforce, they’d have been able to master basic life skills. I guess not.
Wow, I can’t believe that mom said that to you! I’m terrible in those situations. I probably would have snapped back with, “so are your pants,” and then felt horrible for it afterwards.
LOL! That’s an awesome reaction!
I don’t understand why some people feel it’s appropriate to comment on others’ lives. You are right to flip her off. And yeah, is it normally that nice by you? It’s making me want to move there!
I usually get the most unsolicited advice at the mall and Target. Oh, and of course from our parents.
Too small or not, every single diaper gets used before we buy more. And I love the Captain Obvious remark 😉
No doubt. Those things are way too expensive to toss.
What is it with Target ladies? More than any other store, that’s the place I receive unsolicited feedback on my children. No, wait. I get the most unsolicited feedback at family reunions. Target is second.
Feel your pain on the weight… Flipping mine off right now. And then off to the gym. Right after I eat this snack.
It’s true. I guess I should stop wearing my shirt with “How’s my parenting?” written on the back when I go to Target.
I had to see what the urinal philosophy was. Lake Urine (or You-rine as Kim on How Clean is Your House says) is definitely a problem. Equally troubling: guys who stand back with their dong flailing like an untethered garden hose whilst typing on iPhone. Steve Jobs would not approve dudes.
LOL at untethered garden hose. Now that’s imagery!
Ah, those unsolicited comments from strangers… Don’t you just love them? I used to bite my tongue and think about what I could have said back the whole day, feeling upset. Now, I try to just smile and say something trivial like, thanks, have a good day. Most people actually are quite taken aback by the lack of reaction, negative or positive, and walk away. I can’t wait to offer the same unsolicited comments to strangers in my old age!
I know right?! Just wait till we get old and crotchety. Actually, why wait? 😛
Love all the suggestions for weigh-ins. And I think it’s a guy thing, my husband is notorious for not buttoning a onesie after a diaper change. Ever.
Haha. Yeah, we know who changed the last diaper based on the onesie.
So agree with your comment about the Redskins-Cowboys game! I mentioned to my Dad that Gruden picked the GMen to win the NFC East. Dad’s response: In this division, it’s all about who’ll be the best of the worst ;).
LOL. I don’t know why everyone hypes up the NFC East. Sure, it’s tough – b/c no one is very good.
I love Flip Off Friday’s Pop. I look forward to reading them every week. I wish I could bottle you’re funnies and keep them for a rainy day.
Flip Off to the condescending Walmart tire guy. I told you the model number, size and brand of tire I wanted and you said, Well we’ll just see about that, in your snarliest voice. I’m a woman and therefore I couldn’t possibly know what kind of tire goes on my car? Because your rude tude I left and went to Discount Tire. They actually believed me when I told them what type of tire my car needed.
Awwwww, thanks Tk!
That’s absurd. I can’t believe he’d do that. Flip off for real!