Friday Flip-Offs, 9/17 Pop’s Edition
With the vacation, a short work week, and the gorgeous weather, I’d have to say it was a great week. But that doesn’t mean nothing riled up my anger or any problems arose. So for today’s blog post, I’m doing like Devo: when a problem comes along, you must flip it! WOOPAH! Flip it good!
To that mom at Target: FLIP OFF! Yes, D2 is huge now (15.5lbs, 24.5″ at her checkup) and her thighs are especially chunky so she barely fits size 1-2 diapers (up to 15lbs), but my wife recently found a stash of size 1 diapers (8-14lbs) that we never used. Being the cheap person I am, I couldn’t bring myself to toss them so I decided to use them. For you ladies, imagine squeezing into a pair of jeans that fit you perfectly before you had kids. The seams would be crying for mercy, no? For you guys, imagine squeezing into an Under Armour top. It’s tight to begin with:
So back to you, lady at Target. I was too lazy to rebutton D2′s onesie after a diaper change so her tight diaper is clearly visible – and yes, that tiny velcro flap thing is holding on for dear life – you walk by and say, “Her diaper’s a little tight you know.” Thanks for the tip, Captain Obvious. Now flip off and let me be a cheap dad in peace.
To my weight: FLIP OFF! It’s either you or the scale at my house is a random number generator. I eat healthy and exercise for a week and I lose 1lb (2-3lbs if I take off my clothes. Reminder to self: if weighing self naked, lock the door. Reminder to self 2: continue to pray the image of your hairy butt cheeks be erased from D1′s memory). I eat like a pig on vacation and only gain 1lb. Then I eat healthy and inexplicably gain 4lbs?!?!
To Redskins Fans: FLIP OFF! Monday mornings during football season in DC are so full of hyperbole. Yes, we won. And yes, it was the Cowboys but calm the flip down! We only had 250 yards of total offense (380 for the Cowboys), we were 0-2 in the redzone and we didn’t score an offensive touchdown.
To the Corn Refiners Association: FLIP OFF! You applied for permission to use the name “corn sugar” in place of high fructose corn syrup on food labels. Like Shakespeare said, “A rose by any other name would smell as sweet,” and sugar by any other name would make you just as fat. The name is not the issue but thanks for the distraction.
To men who cannot properly use a urinal: FLIP OFF! Sure, splashback is both a problem and embarrassing, but that doesn’t mean you should stand 3 feet away from the urinal and pee all over the floor! The last few public restrooms I used, I had to straddle Lake Urine while I peed. Not cute. Learn to 1) aim and 2) the proper angle in order to prevent splashback.
And if you’re too shy to use the urinal and pee in the stalls instead, make sure your aim is true.
To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! I seriously hope this will be my last flip off for you in 2010. Please die. Thanks.
*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?