Friday Flip-Offs, 8/27 Pop’s Edition

This is my 3rd week joining in on Friday Flip-Offs (here’s the first and second in case you want to look back at my former flips). Gigi over at Kludgy Mom is having a rough week, what with an injury and too many balls in the air, but like the athletes we love, she played through the pain – and with only one glass of wine, no less! So stop by and give her a shout. Without further ado, here are Pop’s Flip-Offs.

To Annoying iPhone Guy: FLIP OFF! You happened to be behind me while we were waiting in line at the bank. I’m using my iPhone in peace and you start a conversation:

AiG: Hey. Is that the new iPhone?
Me: No.
AiG: Oh. Is it the 3GS?
Me: No.
AiG: Oh. So it’s a 3G. Cool. That’s the one I’ve got [you take yours out, unlock it, show it to me, and I instantly see what a douche interesting guy you are: you have a fart app on your homepage]
Me: Actually, I have a 2G.

My iFriend

You then look at me as if I’m from a lower caste or if you were a priest and I were a beaten down Samaritan left on the side of the road. Listen, buddy. Sure, your 3G is about twice as fast as my 170kbps download speed, but I like my iFriend, thank you very much! We go way back and in fact, we’ve gotten in trouble on multiple occasions. Sure, I’m eligible for an upgrade but I like the cost of my data plan ($25, 200 txt + unltd M2M) and when Apple upgrades the iSmallComputer iSometimesPhone iUsuallyDropCalls iPhone 4, I’ll probably upgrade then. So why don’t you FLIP-OFF and head to your frat or magic card party and wow and entertain all your friends with your hilarious fart app.

To Target: FLIP OFF! Listen. I like you. I really do. In fact, considering how much money and time my wife and I have spent on you, you could be thought of as our significant other. And I love the fact that you’ve added high priced groceries – you know how I feel about taking my kids out of the car multiple times, so I don’t need to contemplate breaking the law make a quick stop at the grocery store for something small. But please get your checkout system together!

I have this theory, which I call the Target Cluster Theorem: when you enter Target, no one will be in line checking out; when you are ready to check out, everyone else in the store decides to check out at the exact same time and the registers will become a cluster. The fact that you have those double lanes, of which only one is usually open, makes it hard to tell which line is the shortest. Complicating matters is the fact that people’s carts can be HUGE, e.g., one lady’s cart had windshield washer fluid, a lamp, a clock, canned beans, ice cream, some bras, other clothes, AND she ravaged the clearance bins like they were going out of style. And all I needed to buy were these lamps you had on sale. So needless to say, people can and do get pretty flustered and frustrated during check out.

And yet, despite the Target Cluster Theorem proving true when a hoard of customers approaches checkout, no manager ever calls extra employees to the front lines at that instant. In fact, when the cashiers see the hoard, they decide to flick off their lights and say, “You’re my last customer.” And somehow, said customer seems to always be the lady in front of me with the massive cart that makes you wonder what exactly she’s going to do with all that stuff. After the lines get backed up, people get annoyed and it’s clear 2 checkout lanes aren’t enough, we hear on the intercom, “Dear Target employees. We have a code Cluster. All available employees to the front.”

I love you, Target. But until you get your act together, FLIP OFF!

P.S. See you tonight. xoxo
P.P.S. Couldn’t you have made those giant red balls in the front of the store kickballs? That would’ve been so awesome!

To mutant ninja mosquitoes: FLIP OFF! When God said, “Be fruitful and multiply,” He was talking to Adam and Eve, not you! I know we’ve had lots of rain but you done multiplied and made tons of little mutant ninja mosquito babies – and they’re harder to kill and their bites are just as itchy. I hate you. I’m typically not a fan of capital punishment, but if you were to be executed, I’d have a front row seat and bring popcorn.

To my eyes: FLIP OFF! Well, that sounds kind of harsh. I mean, I don’t want to be blind. So flip off. I know I’m getting older but what’s with all these floaters in my eye! Turd floaters are annoying but they can be flushed; eye floaters are microscopic and you pretty much have to live with them forever. Great! Not only do I have unflushable turds in my eye, but they’re getting bigger everyday.

*whew* that feels better. What about you? What in your life deserves to be flipped off today?