A Letter to My Daughters: U Cant Haz Internetz

Dear Daughters,

It’s been a while since I’ve prewritten, and while most of my previous letters were more for your edification, this letter outlines some things that I am warning you not to do, specifically concerning the internet. Failure to adhere to these guidelines will be a major offense, punishable by withholding of BBQ for a period of no less than one year.

Now, I’m sure you may think that I’m being a big, fat meanie. Big? Fat? Yes. Meanie? No. In fact, I’m just trying to protect you from the terror that can be the Internetz. And while you may not thank me now, when you don’t have to look back on your early Tweets or FB status updates and *shudder* you’ll be grateful. Remember, pooping in your pants can be cleaned up; pooping on the Internet is forever.

Pop’s Internet Rules #1: Do not surf the Web without some sort of Ad Block on. Daddy recently saw this webcomic a while back and I was terrified.

And we do not have a rich uncle in Nigeria. If we did, we’d already have a smoker the size of a minivan and a pet tiger.

Pop’s Internet Rules #2: Do NoT TyPee LiEk Dis OR LIKE THISSSS. It’s not as prominent anymore (Praise Jesus) but don’t you dare try to bring it back. And type in proper English while you’re at it. Also, proofread before you post. The occasional typo is unavoidable and excusable but refusing to learn the proper spelling for a word even though your browser is telling you the word is spelled wrong reduces both your IQ and the IQ of anyone who continues to read your posts.

Pop’s Internet Rules #3: Stop calling things epic. This is how I feel about the word ‘epic’ in its current usage

“DUDE! That YouTube vid was EPIC!” “OMG! My poop was EPIC!” “Yo, them chicken nuggets from Wendy’s was EPIC!”

So if you send me an email saying, “DAD! You have to watch this video. It’s EPIC!” and it’s an autotuned song, I will laugh. And then I will punish you.

Pop’s Internet Rules #4: Don’t read YouTube comments. Ever. Remember how the Apostle Paul says in the book of Philippians, “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” YouTube comments are the exact opposite. Similarly, don’t venture too far out into the Twitterverse – some people should not have a platform where they can share their thoughts with others.

Pop’s Internet Rules #5: Remember your online identities: your name is Amanda Hugginkiss, your address is Van Down By the River and your phone number is 867-5309. When you start paying rent or have a mortgage, you can start giving out your real address and phone number.

Pop’s Internet Rules #6: Don’t you dare complain about how slow the Internet is. Otherwise, I will make this your ringtone:

And I will call you incessantly.

Pop’s Internet Rules #7: Don’t get into an argument online (see Rule #4). Just not worth your time.

Pop’s Internet Rules #8: Google a website before you visit it to make sure you don’t make a typo or go to the wrong site inadvertently. Daddy learned this the hard way some time ago when I wanted to purchase some Under Armour from Dick’s Sporting Goods and visited dicks dot com. *shudder*

Pop’s Internet Rules #9: Don’t spend too much time playing Web games. That’s Daddy’s job There are better ways for you to spend your time away from the computer so that Daddy can get on.

And finally,

Pop’s Internet Rules #10: Do some good on the Web. Leave a nice comment. Watch or read something that makes you smile, laugh, or inspires you. Learn something new. Connect and reconnect with people.

Love,
Pop

Disclaimer: this post was meant to be tongue-in-cheek mostly about things on the Web that bother me. Internet safety and kids is not a joke and the importance of parents monitoring their kid’s activity online cannot be understated.